


Taking Care

by UngratefulSatisfaction



Series: Gnosis of Self [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aftercare, Angst, Bad Seduction Attempts, Dirty Talk, Drinking, Drinking Games, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Happy Ending, Hurt, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Oral Sex, Unrequited Love, everyone is making mistakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 20:29:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16182614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UngratefulSatisfaction/pseuds/UngratefulSatisfaction
Summary: Doyoung must be doing this because he’s depressed. How can Jeno say yes, to take advantage of Doyoung when he’s being so vulnerable, when Jeno has been fantasizing about dating him? He knows it’s messed up. Even if Doyoung isn’t drunk from his sadness, Jeno couldn’t take advantage of his kindness. To use him for selfish reasons screams all kinds of wrong for Jeno. Except, he still wants it. He can’t deny Doyoung or pretend to not be happy when he agrees.~~After sort of confessing to his unrequited crush of four years, Doyoung is hurting bad. At the same time, Jeno in his quest to figure out his sexuality has developed a possible crush on the very member he’s trying to comfort. Neither of them make good decisions and Taeyong is caught in the middle of it trying to handle his own problems.(Sequel to ‘Repressed Emotions’)Explicit rating for strong/sexual language and graphic discussions/depictions of sexual acts. See Notes for details on who this rating actually applies to in the story.





	Taking Care

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for continuing in this series and choosing to read this! Warning: there is more graphic depictions of racy things than the previous parts and graphic descriptions of oral sex. (tl;dr this series has gotten progressively more sexual and angsty). 
> 
> If the lovely readers are squeamish about the Dream kids doing sex things, the ’00 liners are not depicted having sex/oral sex in this story. It is implied and discussed by them, but the actual sex only includes older members. 
> 
> And same with the first part, since this involves drinking and kissing, disclaimer: the boys consented to the game and its stipulations, and even in moments where they really didn’t want to do something and faced penalty for disagreeing, they all respect each other enough to recognize limits and the like. Because they’re bros and bros respect boundaries.

Even just twenty minutes ago, Doyoung wouldn’t be able to picture himself beside Taeyong’s door like this. Maybe if he stalls long enough, his heart will stop threatening to beat out of his chest. He tries to run through the facts while he gathers courage to step in front of the doorway, to reveal himself, to reveal his soul.

Fact one: Taeyong is in there with Mark and Johnny. He’s already checked the rest of the dorm and those two aren’t anywhere else. So Doyoung will have to politely ask for them to leave without being suspicious. Which won’t work if he looks like he was just crying.

Fact two: Taeyong, Mark, and Johnny have no idea what Doyoung is about to confess. Granted, he isn’t quite sure what words he is going to use, exactly how much of his heart he’s going to bare. 

Fact three: He’s not ready to tell Taeyong the whole truth. He’s not ready to tell Taeyong how he feels in the heady prose that runs through his head every time he sees him, hears his voice, or watches him care for their members. He’s not ready for Taeyong to look at him, eyes full of guilt, and tell him _no, I don’t care about you like that_. 

That fact is the source of Doyoung’s nightmares for the past five years. He’s imagined more rejection scenes than what’s healthy. He can’t handle any of them reaching fulfillment right now.

So. Fact four: he’s going to have to lie to Taeyong, even though it hurts him to do so. But maybe he could just make it a lie by omission. Yeah, that might half the guilt he’d have.

Doyoung takes a deep breath. He checks his vitals. His heart has calmed, his eyes burn less, and his nose isn’t running anymore. Lists are helpful to stave off the fear. Doyoung carefully catalogues everything, thankful he’s alone in this hallway. He stares at his reflection on his phone, smoothing his hair where he mussed it and pinching the bridge of his nose until his eyes are no longer like muddy dawn. Another deep breath, and he turns into the doorway.

“Hey,” Doyoung says, forcing the others’ attention on him so he can’t back down. 

All three of them look at him with a pitiable curiosity. Johnny and Taeyong are on their respective beds and Mark stands in the middle, holding a few of his things. “Can I speak with Taeyong Hyung?” Doyoung asks. He avoids their eyes to keep his emotions more in check. “Alone?” 

“Sure,” Johnny says. He gets up and corrals Mark towards the door. “Come on, Mark, let’s go.”

“I’m going,” Mark mutters indignantly. He looks at Doyoung with questions when he walks by, but he doesn’t ask anything. Doyoung steps inside and Johnny closes the door behind him.

“What’s up?” Taeyong asks softly like Doyoung might cry at any moment. To be fair, it’s an honest possibility and Doyoung must take measured breaths to appear neutral. He crosses to Taeyong’s bed.

The leader sits up rigid, ready to do whatever he needs, always willing to accommodate. It tugs on Doyoung’s heart. He sits beside him on the bed and considers his next move. A split second and he has a decision. Yeah, he’s going to be selfish.

Doyoung arranges himself half in Taeyong’s lap and half beside the length of his legs, so Taeyong will wrap his arms around him. Doyoung sighs, a certain calm over him even as he prepares to possibly ruin their relationship. “What’s wrong?” Taeyong murmurs into his hair, his thumbs rubbing circles against Doyoung’s forearms. It’ll be easier like this, unable to see Taeyong’s expression while he talks.

“I got jealous,” Doyoung admits quickly. Taeyong hums and Doyoung shivers from the vibration against upper back. 

“Do you like Yuta? Or Renjun?” Taeyong asks carefully. Doyoung is surprised he actually laughs.

“Oh, no. Definitely not,” Doyoung says. Taeyong hums again, trying to prompt him. Doyoung sighs, the fear and sadness creeping back up on him. “I’m jealous that they could be happy.”

“Why?” Doyoung wants to soak in this moment, to enjoy how delicately Taeyong is treating him. _Perhaps this is how he’d treat his girlfriend_ , Doyoung muses. Instead of the flagrant barbs and teasing he hands Doyoung.

“Because I love someone,” Doyoung confesses. “I love someone I know will never love me back.”

Taeyong is quiet for a long time. His thumb against Doyoung’s arm is unrelenting, the skin beneath rubbed numb. When he finally asks a question, it sounds far away. Whether it’s supposed to be detached from Doyoung or Taeyong, he doesn’t know. “A group member?”

His silence serves as his answer. Taeyong lets out a breath against Doyoung’s hair. His hands move from Doyoung’s arms down to his hands. He interlocks their fingers and says his name like he’s scolding him.

“Hyung, do you not think I know how dumb this is?” Doyoung says angrily before Taeyong can continue. 

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong says. All the anger leaves Doyoung from the sincerity in his voice. He relaxes back into Taeyong’s embrace, hating himself every moment he allows Taeyong to be affectionate with him. 

“So will this person never love you back because you aren’t their type? Or because they aren’t gay?” Taeyong asks softly. At this point, he knows Taeyong is trying to discern who it is, trying to have all the information so he can have all the control.

“If it’s the latter, isn’t it both?” Doyoung asks back petulantly. It’s so easy to act like a brat with Taeyong. His frustration at himself fuels every taunt and insult.

“So not Jungwoo or Lucas,” Taeyong says to himself. 

Doyoung sighs harshly and retracts his hands from Taeyong’s. He crosses his arms and refuses to move them even as Taeyong tries to pull them free. Taeyong eventually gives up and embraces Doyoung’s waist below his own arms. He shifts his legs, so Doyoung’s hips are cradled between them. And it’s oh so comfortable for Doyoung. He can almost pretend they aren’t talking about his darkest secret.

“What difference does it make,” Doyoung grumbles. “Whoever it is, it doesn’t change anything. He’ll never love me back.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know him. I’ve known him since I joined the company.” Doyoung flinches. He just narrowed down the possibilities by half.

“Please tell me it’s not Jisunggie,” Taeyong says only semi-joking.

“I’m a piece of shit Hyung, but I’m not _that_ bad,” Doyoung says with a scoff. “Don’t worry. I’m not in love with a minor.”

“Good to know. Are you sure this person isn’t gay?”

“We know our own.” Doyoung doesn’t add on the modifier, _most of the time_. He’s been wrong in the past. But he refuses to believe he’d be so lucky here. 

“Have you told your Hyung how you feel?”

“I’m not a masochist,” Doyoung says. Too late, he realizes he didn’t correct Taeyong. With only four hyungs in this group and one of them automatically counted out, the possibilities of Taeyong guessing gets too high.

“Look, Hyung,” Doyoung says trying to retake control of the conversation. “I’m just here to tell you why I was upset. I don’t need guidance. I know the course of action. Wait until this dumb crush passes and never act on it. So can you say, ‘thanks for sharing’ and let me go?”

“If that’s what you want,” Taeyong says. Doyoung closes his eyes when he hears the faded pain in Taeyong’s voice. “But I want you to be happy.”

“That’s not going to happen right now. But don’t worry about it. Let go of control for a moment, yeah?” Taeyong sighs.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be fine.” Doyoung sits up, pulling himself from Taeyong’s grip. He looks at Taeyong properly and immediately regrets it.

Concern has his eyes wide and watery, so vulnerable compared to the usual focus and fire they hold. His lips are bright red from being chewed on and they’re open just slightly in anticipation. Doyoung wants nothing more right now than to press Taeyong down into the mattress and pull those lips between his own teeth, to make Taeyong cry out for him and hold him close.

But that won’t happen. “Thank you for listening to me, Hyung,” Doyoung says in a small voice. He looks away from Taeyong to keep from doing something stupid. He’s already revealed too much.

“It’s nothing. I’m here for you, Doyoung-ah. I love you,” Taeyong says and Doyoung’s breath catches. His eyes snap to Taeyong’s, still full of wet warmth. 

He curses his expression because there’s a certain light in Taeyong’s eyes, like he just read his soul and intentions. But Taeyong looks impassive again in a split second. He claps Doyoung on the shoulder like he always does and nods with military precision. “If you need anything,” Taeyong says normally.

“Yeah,” is all Doyoung can manage. He expects to be more scared at the thought that Taeyong probably figured it out. But he only feels tired.

“You should go drink some water. Maybe take a nap,” Taeyong suggests. Doyoung nods and hauls his body off the bed.

“Thanks,” he mutters shuffling to the door. He can’t bring himself to look at Taeyong again. Taeyong responds, but Doyoung doesn’t hear it over the slam of the door behind him. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Doyoung curses under his breath. He drags a hand through his hair. He can’t handle being in this dorm right now, pictures of Taeyong on the wall and his presence pressed into every surface.

Doyoung fumbles to pull his phone out as he stalks to the front door. He throws on a hat to half-hide his face as he types a quick message to someone, anyone. Jeno. That kid will be perfect right now. Maybe Jungwoo too, if only he didn’t have a schedule today. Jeno should be free, though.

Luckily, he’s quick to respond. They agree to meet at a nearby café hidden in the basement of a shopping center. The last thing he wants right now is caffeine to aid his heart in racing, but the café should be empty enough that if tears fall, there won’t be cameras to capture it. 

Out the door, Doyoung tries not to cry. Not quite the rejection scene he imagined, but if Taeyong did find out, he chose to do nothing about it. That’s a rejection if Doyoung ever saw one. Hopefully Jeno will offer solace without exasperating the open wound covering his soul.

 

Jeno’s heart skips a beat when Doyoung walks in. Even though he looks like absolute shit, Jeno’s eyes scan over him and he feels warm inside. “Hey,” Jeno greets softly with a smile. He has no idea why Doyoung is so upset, but he’s going to do what he can.

“Hey,” Doyoung says, voice thick from hidden tears. His eyes are lined in red and the bruises under them are dark and inky. He collapses in the chair across from Jeno, tired bones struggling to find a comfortable position.

“Do you want something to drink?” Jeno asks. “I can buy it for you.” He expects Doyoung to decline and just give Jeno his card. Except Doyoung gives a small nod and mutters an answer.

“Water, please.”

“Anything else?” Doyoung shakes his head. Jeno bites back his worries and goes to the counter.

Impulsively, he also gets cream cheese bread since it’s one of Doyoung’s favorites. He has never seen his hyung so dejected, and he wants badly to be able to help. Whether he’s motivated by the stupid crush or not, he doesn’t know.

“What’s this?” Doyoung asks when Doyoung hands him the cup of water and the bread wrapped in napkins. His tone is cleared by the surprise and Jeno smiles.

“The barista gave it to me for free,” he lies. Doyoung smiles. It’s a small, pitiful thing that can barely be called a smile, but Jeno will take it.

“Don’t lie to me,” Doyoung says lightly. He delicately unwraps the bread and whispers, “thank you.”

“It’s nothing,” Jeno says even as his heart soars. He taps his fingers on the table and watches Doyoung eat. “So, do you want to talk about it, or…?” Doyoung shakes his head.

“No. Tell me about your day,” Doyoung says. “How have you been recently?” 

So Jeno drones on about his day. He knows the content doesn’t matter, but he tries to keep it funny. He talks about their latest shenanigans and when Jisung almost burned the kitchen down. It slowly pulls Doyoung out of his shell. His smiles are bigger, and laughter comes easier. Whatever it was that was bothering him fades from his mind. Jeno pretends he isn’t distracted by how cute Doyoung is when he eats or when he laughs.

“Wait, wait,” Doyoung says in the middle of a story. “ _How_ did you manage that?”

“Jaeminnie told him to throw flour on it, but he had already poured water on it,” Jeno says between laughter.

“Aish, you kids,” Doyoung says. 

“But it’s okay. The kitchen is intact.” Doyoung looks at peace as Jeno finishes the story. Jeno runs out of things to say, but it looks like Doyoung is sufficiently cheered up now. “So Hyung,” Jeno says.

“Hmm?”

“Is there still tension in the dorm?” If Doyoung doesn’t want to tell him what’s up, he’s going to guess until he figures it out.

“Oh. Yeah, it’s alright now,” Doyoung says though he shifts his eyes away from Jeno.

“So will Injoonnie stop being all depressed?”

“He’s been depressed?” Doyoung looks genuinely shocked when Jeno nods. “I guess he’s okay now. I had, uh, left before they properly aired everything out.”

“What was wrong, anyway? Taeyonggie Hyung and Yuta Hyung were fighting, right?” He plays innocent, like he isn’t aware Doyoung is uncomfortable.

“Right,” he answers carefully. “But I can’t explain it well. I was comforting Taeyong Hyung, but he never told me what was wrong. Something about how Taeyonggie Hyung made a mistake and insulted Yuta Hyung’s pride.”

“Then how was Injoonnie in it? Didn’t he go to the 127 dorm this morning? He looked like he saw a ghost.”

“Renjun was there when they originally fought,” Doyoung says. “But I don’t know the details. He joined us when we were eating breakfast to diffuse Yuta Hyung and Taeyong Hyung’s latest argument. And then it was fixed.”

“I see,” Jeno says. “Well, I’m glad they got it sorted.” Doyoung lets out a breath he was holding.

“Yeah. Me too.” He worries his lip between his teeth.

“What’s wrong, Hyung?” Jeno asks. He gathers his courage and reaches a hand across the table to hold Doyoung’s. He looks shocked at himself and quickly smiles.

“I’m just thinking about how we haven’t spent a lot of time together recently,” Doyoung says sounding too cheery. 

“Maybe we should actually practice MCing,” Jeno suggests, choosing not to call Doyoung out for changing the subject. He’ll take any reason at this point to spend a lot of time with Doyoung, especially if it’ll temper his mood swings.

“Yeah. Sounds good,” Doyoung says. The smile he gives Jeno is soft and genuine. His heart flutters, and he jerks his head in a nod. Doyoung chuckles.

“By the way,” Doyoung asks. “How are your other proxy boyfriends?” Jeno retracts his hand and blushes.

“Aish, Hyung.” Doyoung laughs at his discomfort and Jeno can’t help joining in. “They’re fine. I’m sure Jaeminnie’s eyebrows will grow back. Haechannie has been spending a lot of time at our dorm, so it’s been fun. We’ve been gaming a lot.”

“And Renjunnie?” Doyoung asks with a strange look in his eyes.

“These days he was being depressed, like I said. But he’s been happy other than that,” Jeno says. He cocks his head to the side and asks, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Doyoung says. “But has he been… distant at all? Or is he still attached at the hip to you and Jaeminnie?”

“Same as always,” Jeno says with his cheeks a slight red. “Hyung, why?”

“No reason,” Doyoung says. “Has he said anything to you about the gay-straight thing recently?” 

“Nope,” Jeno says. “Is he being… problematic?” Doyoung laughs.

“Definitely not,” Doyoung says. “Don’t worry about it, I’m being nosy.” Doyoung grabs Jeno’s hand again and his breath catches. “So when next should we meet to practice?” Jeno almost doesn’t hear the question since he was staring into his eyes. 

“Um, whenever you want,” Jeno stutters. Doyoung laughs and smiles so wide his eyes sparkle. Jeno has to remind himself to not stare with too much adoration. These damned repressed emotions.

 

A week passes and Doyoung indulges every request Jeno has to see him or talk to him. He finds it cute how Jeno has been acting recently. Maybe it’s because he saw Doyoung being so vulnerable, but since then Jeno has been the most supportive dongsaeng a person could ask for.

They’ve gotten little done in the way of MCing, but Jeno has no shortage of questions to ask Doyoung. Today, he’s caught on singing. He dragged them to a practice room on their day off and asked Doyoung to give him a lesson.

“I don’t understand,” Doyoung says embarrassed. He shifts his weight and looks down at Jeno, sitting backwards in his chair held in rapture by Doyoung. “You could ask Renjun or Haechan. Chenle, too.”

“They’d give me shit,” Jeno says. “But Doyounggie Hyung is too nice for that.” He gives a beautiful eye smile and Doyoung laughs. “Can you sing it again?”

“Aish, seriously,” Doyoung says. He’s not particularly pompous about his singing, but he doesn’t mind Jeno laying it on thick.

“Hyung,” Jeno whines cutely. “One more time.” Doyoung pretends to be inconvenienced but tells Jeno to hit the starting note on the piano again.

He sings the line the same way he did before, vibrato reflecting his nerves when Jeno’s stare becomes more intense. There’s something familiar about it, the way he’s watching Doyoung. He struggles to place it, how Jeno smiles to himself and watches Doyoung like he’s his favorite thing in the world, like he’s something he loves.

Something he loves. Doyoung finishes singing and can’t help furrowing his brow. Jeno looks mesmerized and claps as much as he did the first three times. _Shit shit shit_ , how did Doyoung not realize sooner? He forces a cool expression as he pieces it together.

Of course Jeno has a crush on him. He’s given Doyoung more skinship in the past week than he has the whole four years before that. Jeno has given him compliments and that starry-eyed look. Doyoung had thought Jeno was just trying to comfort him, but it’s so _obvious_.

“Jeno-yah,” Doyoung says before he can form a coherent thought to follow that.

“Yes?” Jeno seems to remember himself and suddenly has a more neutral expression.

“How’s the—are you still confused?” Doyoung asks. “Tormented and all that?” Jeno blinks his eyes rapidly.

“Uh, yeah. I guess,” Jeno says. 

“I was thinking,” Doyoung says. He can’t believe he’s going through with this. He can’t believe he’s going to be such a deplorable human being to take advantage of Jeno like this. But he doesn’t allow himself to think it through anymore. He’s going to be selfish. Doyoung has been avoiding Taeyong since he confessed to him. His heart hurts so much, he _needs this_. “About what Jaemin said.”

“What?”

“The fake boyfriend thing,” Doyoung says. “You only kissed us, right? Well, maybe you won’t know the answer until you have a romantic connection.”

“Well, yeah. Didn’t you already tell me this?” The confused expression on Jeno’s face is cute. Doyoung pushes the guilt away. He can’t believe himself.

“I was thinking,” Doyoung repeats. His mouth is dry. He’s being so selfish, he can hardly look at Jeno directly. The rest of his words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop it. 

 

“Maybe we could try dating. Be actual fake boyfriends for a while. To help you figure it out.” Jeno isn’t quite sure he heard that properly. 

“Like…” Jeno swallows hard. This must be a dream.

“Like we fool around and go on dates,” Doyoung says. His cheeks are red. Jeno has so many questions while Doyoung rambles. “Of course, we wouldn’t tell the others. That would be messy. Since we wouldn’t actually be dating. Me calling you sweetheart would be playing—”

“Sweetheart?” Jeno asks, mouth hanging open. There’s no way he heard that right. Doyoung rubs at the back of his neck, avoiding Jeno’s eyes.

“Forget I said anything,” Doyoung mutters.

“No, no,” Jeno says too quickly. Doyoung’s eyes finally rise to meet his. “That sounds… good. It’s a good idea. If you want.”

Doyoung must be doing this because he’s depressed. Jeno doesn’t know why he’s so sad, but this must be a way for him to deal with those emotions. God, it’ll be messy as hell, especially since Doyoung is in love with another person. 

And how can Jeno say yes, to take advantage of Doyoung when he’s being so vulnerable, when Jeno has been fantasizing about dating him? He knows it’s messed up. The rational part of him chastises for even considering manipulating Doyoung like that. Even if Doyoung isn’t drunk from his sadness, Jeno couldn’t take advantage of his kindness. To use him for selfish reasons screams all kinds of wrong for Jeno. Except, he wants it. He can’t deny Doyoung or pretend to not be relieved when Doyoung nods.

“Yeah. A good idea.” Smiles curve their lips at the same time and Doyoung stands in front of Jeno.

He can’t help tilting his chin up, beckoning Doyoung closer with his eyes. Doyoung looks hesitant, biting his lip as he crouches down to Jeno’s level, arms balanced on the back of the chair. Jeno’s breath turns shallow and quick as Doyoung stares with his piercing eyes.

It’s different than before. There’s no joking atmosphere as they wrestle with their guilt and anticipation. Jeno’s clouded emotions at least pretend to be in order when Doyoung leans in. His eyes close too soon, only making the anticipation before their lips meet worse.

But it’s the same as before. Doyoung’s lips moving his sensually, the sweet scent of his soap, the grace and fire. Jeno moans into the kiss. Doyoung pulls away all too soon. 

“Yeah,” Doyoung whispers awkwardly and they both laugh. Jeno pushes the guilt away and lets his affection for Doyoung replace it. His whole body feels warm just from his gaze. It holds something beautiful when it’s not marred by depression.

“A good idea,” Jeno says to himself more than anything. Though, he doesn’t complain when Doyoung laughs at him. The last of the guilt slinks away from the lovely sound and Jeno can’t believe how lucky he is.

 

 

~~ NCT 2018 ~~

 **Winwin:** btw guys  
**Winwin:** Renjun and Yuta Hyung forgot to tell everyone they’re dating

 **Injeolmi:** lmaoooo

 **Osaka Prince:** kkkkk suddenly, Winwinnah?

 ** _Full Sun_ :** congrats to the happy couple

 **Winwin:** yes congrats

 **Jisung Pwark:** am I missing something?

 **Nana:** kkkkk congrats

 **Ship:** is this serious?  
**Ship:** our fourth and fifth?

 **Lele:** Yes!  
**Lele:** very serious

 **Nana:** a very cute way to come out  
**Nana:** thank you for sharing Yuta Hyung/Injoon

 **Injeolmi:** honestly we did forget though  
**Injeolmi:** but yeah we’re the other gays

 **Jenojam:** ahh ok  
**Jenojam:** now it makes sense

 **Nana:** of course, I’m very smart

 **Ship:** should have known after the game tbh  
**Ship:** how does Taeyong Hyung fit into this? kkkk

 **Nana:** what game?

 **Tael:** thankful that I no longer have to share Winwinnie with Yuta

 **Osaka Prince:** lmao  
**Osaka Prince:** “share”

 **Injeolmi:** Ten Hyung will you ever let me live that down ㅠㅠ

 **Ship:** lmao not going to happen it was hilarious

 **Nana:** what was hilarious?

 **Zeus:** This is such good news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  <3 <3 <3 <3

 **Seagull:** too many stickers hyung

 **Zeus:** I’m just so happy that yt hyung loves himself enough to come out  
**Zeus:** and jm is right, it’s a very cute way to come out acting like a couple

 **Sushi:** _CONGRATLATIONS_

 **Seagull:** _bro, it’s *congratulations*_  
**Seagull:** but yeah, it’s nice it all worked out

 **Sushi:** oh sorry

 **Injeolmi:** thank you everyone!  
**Injeolmi:** I really mean it

 **Osaka Prince:** yes… thank you all for the support  <3

 **Tyong:** it’s lovely to see all these wholesome messages  
**Tyong:** But I know everyone’s schedules and at least half of you are off task  
**Tyong:** Get it together and get your work done

 **Zeus:** Sorry Hyung

 **Sushi:** Sorry Hyung

 **Ship:** Sorry Hyung

 

 

The lazy summer sun hangs low in the sky while they walk to the 127 dorm. Jeno was a little surprised when Renjun had come to him and Jaemin, inviting them to drink with the hyungs. He should have expected it, especially since SM Town in Osaka is coming up, but Jeno was still unprepared.

“I feel bad leaving Chenle and Jisunggie alone,” Jaemin says.

“They’ll be fine,” Renjun says. “Just try and have fun tonight.”

“What kind of fun?” Jaemin asks with a teasing tone.

“I’ve already told you, our Hyungs are just as dumb drunk as they are sober,” Renjun says. “Though, their inhibitions are lowered, so I would say it’s a little more entertaining.”

“Will there be games?” Jeno asks. He is vaguely familiar with a couple drinking games, or at least the most popular ones. He’s hoping he won’t embarrass himself with needing to ask for too many explanations.

“Yeah, there’ll be games,” Renjun says.

“What did you play last time?” Jaemin asks. “3-6-9?”

“We didn’t play any Korean drinking games,” Renjun says. He stares at the pavement in front of them, his cheeks noticeably red even in the twilight. “We only played one game that Youngho Hyung made up.”

“Tell us about it,” Jeno demands.

“Stop asking so many questions,” Renjun says pretending to be mad. “All will be answered soon.”

“We want to be prepared,” Jaemin says with a pout. 

“At least tell us what it was like?” Jeno asks. Renjun sighs.

“It was risqué,” Renjun mutters.

“Like?”

“Be prepared to become really close with members you might not have expected to,” Renjun says enigmatically.

“Ah, who did you have to become closer to?” Jaemin asks throwing an arm around his shoulders.

“No one,” Renjun lies.

“Was it Yuta Hyung?” Jaemin asks. They all laugh.

“You guys are driving me crazy,” Renjun says ruefully.

“Or was it Taeyonggie Hyung?” Jeno asks. Renjun looks shocked.

“How…”

“I remember you saying you had to take a shot because of him,” Jeno says with a shrug.

“Why, why,” Jaemin demands hitting Renjun’s upper arm. “Is this what Ten Hyung was talking about in the group chat?”

“It was Winwin Hyung’s fault, actually,” Renjun says.

“Details,” Jeno says when Renjun stops.

“Fine,” Renjun spits out. “We were doing dares, and Winwin Hyung dared Taeyong Hyung to share a shot with someone and Taeyong Hyung chose me.”

“Sharing a shot?” Jaemin asks in confusion. He looks at Jeno but he only shrugs.

“ _Oh my god_ , don’t make me explain this,” Renjun says with a hand in front of his face. They have to stop at an intersection to wait for a traffic light and Renjun only feels more embarrassed surrounded by strangers while Jaemin badgers him. Renjun shrugs his arm off and adamantly refuses to clarify.

“Jeno,” Renjun says across Jaemin. “How is your quest going?”

“My—Oh. Um. Still inconclusive,” Jeno says.

“Maybe you aren’t gay,” Jaemin muses once they start walking again. “But you just want attention.”

“Jaemin,” Renjun scolds.

“I don’t mean it in a bad way,” Jaemin continues. “I’m sure you guys are gay because you’re actually gay. But Jeno, have you ever been attracted to a guy? Like really attracted?”

“Um…”

“Maybe you just want attention so you’re developing all these misleading feelings,” Jaemin continues. “You could actually be gay, but I feel like there isn’t enough evidence for that. I mean, you’ve been surrounded by guys for what, four years or so? Maybe you just want to get laid.”

“Jaemin-ah, why are you like this?” Renjun asks. They bicker while Jeno is lost in thought.

He does have a point. That thought crossed Jeno’s own mind a couple times, especially when Doyoung became a part of the equation. Perhaps it’s his desire to be loved that has him grasping at the slimmest opportunities.

“Didn’t we agree this doesn’t matter?” Renjun asks. “It’ll happen when it happens.”

“Yeah,” Jeno says. “But thank you for caring, Nana.” He slides his hand into Jaemin’s and he doesn’t have to look to know Jaemin is beaming at him.

“Of course,” Jaemin says in his cute tone. “What kind of a friend would I be otherwise?”

“A tolerable friend,” Renjun teases. 

They reach the building and take the elevator up. “To be fair, though,” Jeno says while they ride. “I get so much attention as it is. I don’t see your point.”

“I said you want to get laid,” Jaemin corrects. “As far as I know, no one’s doing that for you right now. Holding my hand isn’t the same thing.”

“Why are you so crass?” Renjun asks.

“I’m not crass,” Jaemin says. “I’m caring.”

“Let’s go with both,” Jeno says. They exit the elevator and stop in front of the right door. “And no more talking about this,” Jeno mutters while Renjun knocks on the door.

“Fair enough. There are other ways to embarrass you,” Renjun says. 

They’re greeted by Taeyong. He waves them in and goes to make them drinks. It’s surreal for Jeno, but he tries to act normally, maturely. 

The other hyungs are sitting on the common room floor in a circle, all the furniture having been moved into the hallway to make enough room for everyone. Donghyuk meets their eyes anxiously and his friends sit beside him without hesitation. Jeno and Jaemin share his discomfort with how formal the new situation feels. Renjun is slightly more at ease, but he doesn’t mind supporting them.

“Renjun-ah,” Yuta calls from the other side of the circle. He beckons him over, but Renjun shakes his head.

“Later, maybe,” Renjun says. Yuta whines and leans against Sicheng’s side. Sicheng stares at Renjun and mouths _save me_.

Jeno chuckles at the interaction. That’s familiar, at least, and it makes him think of the joke Sicheng told in the group chat about them dating. All the other hyungs are having their own conversations, not paying the new members any mind. Nobody is drunk yet, but they’ve clearly started drinking. Jeno finds Doyoung across some of the others and smiles.

Doyoung returns the smile and winks. But he holds a finger up to his lips. Subtlety. Right. The members are used to them being close, but suddenly being very close might raise suspicions, especially when everyone already teases Renjun and Yuta.

“Are we beginning?” Johnny asks when Taeyong comes back. He hands the cups to the kids. 

“Go ahead. I need to get the penalty alcohol,” Taeyong says going back into the kitchen. 

“What game?” Yuta asks. Johnny shrugs.

“How about the same as last time?” Ten asks. “I barely got to participate.”

“You should have lost more,” Doyoung says.

“We can play it,” Yuta says. “As long as we don’t get all serious again.”

“No promises,” Jungwoo says.

“Serious?” Jeno whispers to Renjun. 

“It was during the game that Jungwoo Hyung originally came out and said there were other gay members,” Renjun answers quietly.

“Oh,” Jeno says. He passes the information on to Jaemin and Donghyuk who were also questioning it.

“Take a vote,” Johnny says. “Same game as before?”

“What game was it?” Donghyuk asks. Taeyong comes back with the penalty alcohol and shot glasses while Johnny explains the rules, along with Yuta’s amendment. Taeyong finds his seat between Renjun and Taeil.

“Sounds fun,” Donghyuk says coolly, though his hands fidget around the plastic cup in his lap.

“Take a vote,” Johnny says. Enough members raise their hand to play the same game as last time.

“Are we going to ban anything?” Taeil asks vaguely. Enough members chorus no for the suggestion to die. “Can _those_ dares at least be banned for me?”

“No special rules for anyone,” Yuta says.

"Not even for you or Renjunnie?” Doyoung teases. Both of them laugh.

“We won’t lose,” Yuta says confidently.

“Y’all losing is how it started,” Mark says.

“Alright,” Johnny calls to attention. “No banning anything as of now. However, suggestions can be voted on any time after we begin, because I don’t trust any of you to not come up with some hella weird shit.”

“I say we ban sharing shots,” Taeyong says.

“What a prude,” Sicheng complains.

“What does that even mean?” Donghyuk asks but no one answers.

“No one agrees with our Taeyonggie, so the measure does not pass,” Johnny says. “Now let’s start. If you don’t do it you’ll lose~”

Donghyuk and Ten lose. “Ah, finally,” Ten says. Donghyuk stares on with wide eyes.

“Lost on the first round,” Johnny says. “What a shame.” Ten smiles to himself while he considers what question to ask.

“For our younger members,” Taeyong says. “They joined the company very early, so perhaps they did not have the same opportunity to experience what our members who joined when they were older could experience.”

“In short,” Doyoung says. “Treat them delicately.” Everyone laughs.

“Hey, where was this speech last time?” Renjun asks. “I feel like you guys threw me to the wolves.”

“You gave yourself your first dare,” Ten reminds him. “And knowing what we know now, I don’t think you were too upset about it.” He wiggles his eyebrows and Renjun laughs awkwardly.

“Well, Haechan looks really scared right now,” Jungwoo says. “Ten Hyung, go easy on him.”

“What questions do you guys even ask?” Donghyuk asks trying to pretend he’s not as nervous as he is. Jeno is thankful he didn’t lose first.

“They like talking about sex and embarrassing shit,” Renjun answers. His friends chuckle, though they look uncomfortable.

“It doesn’t have to be though,” Taeyong stresses.

“Ten Hyung, quickly,” Donghyuk complains. “You’re taking too long.”

“Fine, fine,” Ten says barely containing his laughter. “Can I just ask what Yuta Hyung asked all of us last time?”

“Please, no,” Taeil says.

“ _Fine_ ,” Ten says. He turns to Donghyuk, who tries to mirror the smile Ten wears. “I’ll be basic. How far have you gone with someone?”

“Like…?” Donghyuk trails off, cheeks red.

“Bro, I told you they would ask this,” Renjun says. 

“Um.” Donghyuk laughs and considers his answer. He turns to Jeno who was trying to remain under the radar. Softly, he asks, “would you count… as more than kissing?”

“I wouldn’t count it at all,” Jeno says, his words clipped. 

“You said ‘handsy’. Define handsy,” Jaemin says. 

“Guys,” Jeno says, worried they might reveal his secret.

“Let’s say just kissing,” Donghyuk tells everyone. “I’ve kissed one person.”

“Ah, really?” Doyoung asks, a knowing smile on his lips.

“What, what?” Yuta asks. “What are we missing?”

“Nothing, Hyung,” Jaemin says with a cheeky smile.

“Is it someone we know?” Jaehyun asks. Donghyuk doesn’t answer right away and a few of the members immediately jump on it.

“If you want to get an answer,” Renjun says trying to calm everyone. “He’ll have to lose again. No follow up questions without a second win.”

“Call,” Taeyong says before anyone can dissent. Jeno wonders what kind of war is going on in Taeyong’s head, treading the fence of keeping the ’00 liners innocent while treating them like adults. 

“Agreed,” Yuta says which receives barbs from the others about Yuta having favoritism. He shrugs it off good naturedly and winks at Renjun. He calls, “If you don’t do it you’ll lose~”

Jaehyun and Johnny. Jeno releases the breath he was holding. “Hmm,” Johnny considers. Jaehyun looks at ease as he waits for the question. “As weird as these dares are,” everyone tenses, “Jaehyunnie, pick someone to make-out with.”

“Heh?” Jaemin grunts. Jaehyun blushes.

“Same stipulations as before?” Jaehyun asks.

“Sure,” Johnny says. Jeno isn’t quite sure he heard any of that right, but Donghyuk’s and Jaemin’s expressions are also confused.

“You guys do kissing dares?” Jaemin asks.

“It’s like whenever we ask to see aegyo,” Renjun says. “Like watching a train wreck.”

“Weird,” Jaemin says though he does sound curious.

“That’s so unfair,” Donghyuk complains. “You all constantly deny my kisses but do this behind my back. I’m betrayed.”

“This is a recent development,” Jaehyun says. “And it’s not even often, _thank god_.”

“You can take the penalty shots,” Taeyong reminds him. Jaehyun shrugs.

“So who’s it going to be?” Johnny asks.

“Winwinnie,” Jaehyun says quietly He stands up and heads over. Sicheng grimaces but doesn’t dissent.

“A good choice,” Taeil jokes.

“Nobody cares that your jealous, Hyung,” Johnny says.

Jaehyun sits in front of Sicheng, obscuring him from Jeno’s view. He tries to get a better view by leaning against Jaemin who is attempting the same. They hold each other at a distance and get it over with quickly. Yuta counts to ten.

“Alright, finished,” Yuta says and Sicheng pushes Jaehyun away. They share small smiles and Jaehyun goes back to his seat.

“Our Hyungs are weird,” Jaemin says. 

“Yes,” Ten agrees. “Now, If you don’t do it you’ll lose~”

They get through several rounds and Jeno has whiplash. Of course, he didn’t expect his hyungs to be as pure as they pretended to be in front of the Dream kids, but he hasn’t adjusted to this side of them. He can’t believe how flagrantly they’re talking about sex and intimacy. Facts he never wanted to hear have been revealed and his whole body feels hot from embarrassment even with barely any alcohol in his system. 

“Renjun-ah,” Yuta calls. He hasn’t had any penalty shots, but he’s at least tipsy. “Can you get me another drink?” Renjun rolls his eyes but stands up and heads to the kitchen.

“If you don’t do it you’ll lose~”

Jaemin and Kun. “Ah, who is Hyung going to have me kiss?” Jaemin asks cheekily.

“I’m not,” Kun says. “I just have a question.” Everyone leans forward in anticipation. Jaemin looks calm, but Jeno knows his friend well enough to see that he’s anticipating it too. When’s the last time you got off?”

“What?” Jaemin asks with surprised laughter.

“Did I say it right?” Kun asks softly looking between Yukhei and Sicheng.

“You said it right,” Sicheng says.

“Well?” Johnny prompts when Jaemin doesn’t answer right away.

“Honestly?” Jaemin asks with a wide smile and a blush on his cheeks. “This morning.”

“In the morning?” Donghyuk asks. Jaemin shrugs.

“I didn’t have anything else to do,” he says in his typical cute tone. 

“Don’t talk like that when you’re talking about jerking off,” Renjun scolds coming back into the common room. He walks around the circle to Yuta.

“Sorry,” Jaemin says insincerely. “It’s a natural thing to do, just saying.”

“Yes, you’re right. Moving on,” Taeyong says sounding uncomfortable. 

“Wait, wait,” Ten says. “What were you thinking about to make you want to get off right when you woke up?” Jaemin shrugs.

“No follow-up questions,” Renjun reminds him before Jaemin can answer. He hands Yuta’s drink to him and is unsurprised when Yuta grabs his wrist first.

“Sit with me,” Yuta whines.

“Don’t be so obvious,” Sicheng teases. Renjun acts like he’s put out but allows Yuta to pull him down.

“No, like this,” Yuta mumbles as he tries to situate Renjun in between his legs properly. Renjun rolls his eyes and acts like he hates it, but the small smile is clear to Jeno even across the circle.

“Our lovely couple,” Jungwoo jokes.

“Shut up,” Renjun says. He’s leaning back against Yuta’s chest, caged in between his legs. Yuta reaches for his drink, but Renjun holds it to himself closely. “If you’re going to make me sit with you, we’re sharing.”

“Sharing like you did with Taeyong Hyung?” Yukhei asks. Jeno is struggling to keep up with the conversation.

“Aish, you guys really won’t let him live it down,” Mark comments.

“Would you rather we joke about you and Taeillie Hyung?” Johnny asks.

“Wait, wait,” Mark says with wide eyes. “No. Forget I said anything. Sorry, Renjun.”

“If you guys are going to reference the past, then explain it for us,” Donghyuk says.

“Too much to explain,” Yuta waves off.

“Hyung is saying that because you’re jealous,” Ten says.

“Jealous of Taeyong?” Yuta asks in mock surprise. “Honestly, Renjun already picked a winner, so I have nothing to worry about.”

“Moving on,” Taeyong tries again in the midst of everyone laughing. “ _Moving on_.”

“Right, right. If you don’t do it you’ll lose~”

Jeno and Sicheng. “Do I ask, or do I get asked?” Jeno asks. He was hoping for neither, but he’ll settle for the former.

“Winwinnie gets to ask you,” Taeyong answers. Jeno looks to Sicheng with fear in his eyes. He only gets an evil smile in return. Before he can even ask for him to go easy, Sicheng speaks.

“Pick someone to make-out with,” Sicheng says. Jeno groans and they laugh at him.

“Wouldn’t this be easy for you?” Doyoung asks. Jeno’s gaze snaps to him and it’s clear Doyoung immediately regrets his words. “N-not me, though.” The others don’t read too far into the exchange and Jeno grows calmer. 

It would be nice to pick Doyoung. They’ve been fake dating for a week, so they’ve only had a little fun. Kissing is certainly covered in that, but Jeno gets wanting to keep a low profile. So he stares at the floor in front of him and tries to decide.

"Just pick your second-best,” Jaemin says behind his hand. Jeno looks at him and raises an eyebrow. Jaemin shakes his head, not wanting himself to be picked either. It’d be risky to pick Donghyuk after what they said earlier. Which leaves the second-best kisser as the only choice.

“Injoonnie,” Jeno says trying to sound confident. That receives more reaction than anything previously, and Jeno wonders what he did.

Renjun looks completely shocked. “Me?” Renjun asks. Jeno nods, cheeks red. Renjun looks back at Yuta who’s laughing so hard he can barely breathe.

“Ohhhh, that’s funny,” Yuta says trying to stifle the laughter.

“Isn’t that a little risky, Jeno-yah?” Jaehyun asks.

“Why?” Jeno asks. Renjun is the only one who looks serious as he talks to Yuta, half turned-around to face him.

“Hyung?” Renjun asks Yuta.

“Yeah, whatever. It’ll be fun,” Yuta says.

“Wow, what a homewrecker,” Ten says.

“Are you sure?” Renjun asks. Yuta’s arm around his waist squeezes.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Yuta says. Renjun still looks unsure or uncomfortable, Jeno can’t quite tell. But he stands up and pads over to Jeno.

His breath catches when Renjun kneels beside him. He leans over Jeno, bracing his arms against the floor on either side of Jeno. A part of Jeno expected for Renjun to be as passive as before, not to lurch forward and kiss him aggressively.

Maybe he’s imagining it, but it seems like Renjun got better. Jeno carefully tries to compare it to his recent kisses with Doyoung, to see if he feels the same and therefore doesn’t actually like Doyoung as more than a friend. But ten seconds is a short amount and Renjun is pulling away before Jeno can properly think.

“Sorry,” Jeno says with numb lips. “Sorry for picking you.”

“It’s fine,” Renjun says those he hasn’t stopped blushing. He stands up quickly and heads back to Yuta’s embrace.

“Honestly, I can’t believe you picked Renjun,” Mark said. “With Yuta Hyung right there.”

“In front of his own boyfriend,” Yukhei adds on. Jeno laughs, though he doesn’t remember the last time they all took a joke this seriously.

Except, when Yuta kisses Renjun on the cheek, Jeno sees a different feeling. Their eyes light up when they look at each other and the position they’re in seems too intimate. “Wait, are you actually dating?” Jeno asks incredulously.

Everyone else looks surprised. “Did you think we weren’t?” Renjun asks. He doesn’t look like he believes Jeno.

“You’re seriously dating?” Jaemin asks just as astonished as Jeno.

“So Jeno asked to kiss Renjun because he didn’t think he was actually dating Yuta,” Johnny says. “Sounds like a drama plot.”

“But… even Jungwoo Hyung made it sound like a joke,” Jaemin says. “I thought it was a joke.”

“I thought it was pretty clear we were being serious,” Renjun says.

“Obviously you were serious about coming out,” Jeno says. “But we thought the dating thing was fake.”

“Why, why?” Yuta asks. Jeno shrugs and looks away from him.

“Honestly,” Jungwoo says. “I thought it was a joke too. But then I met with the other gay members for lunch the next day and it became clear.”

“Right,” Yukhei agrees. 

“I knew from the beginning,” Ten says. “You two aren’t subtle.”

“We’re very subtle,” Yuta says back. 

“Like, why didn’t you guys ask or something?” Mark questions.

“We didn’t think there was a need to!” Jaemin says sounding frustrated. But it’s only a second before he’s back to his sweet demeanor. “But now that we know, congratulations.” 

“Thank you,” Renjun says quietly. 

“Hey, I said we could play this game if we didn’t get serious again,” Yuta complains.

“Sorry,” Jeno blurts out before anyone else. “Sorry about… I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine,” Renjun says waving him off. A thought strikes Jeno and his eyes are wide again.

“Wait! When I was… were you—”

“No we weren’t dating then,” Renjun finishes quickly. 

“When what?” Yuta asks. Renjun turns around seriously.

“I’ll tell you later.” Yuta drops it, but the others are less willing to give up.

“You can’t be vague,” Kun says.

“Hyungs have their secrets,” Donghyuk says. “Dream kids can have ours.”

“What secrets do we have?” Mark asks leaning closer to Donghyuk conspiratorially. Donghyuk shoves him away.

“It’s none of your business, old man.”

“I’m a Dream member too!”

“For how much longer?”

“Let’s move on,” Taeyong says with his leader voice before it can escalate. “As long as we’re on the same page—Yuta and Renjun are really, _actually_ dating—let’s drop it.” Enough people agree and Johnny calls to go again.

But Jeno doesn’t pay attention to the rest of the game, even when he loses. He doesn’t care that Renjun and Yuta are dating. However, the fact that they are dating makes him wonder if he has a realistic chance to date Doyoung for real. Maybe not now, since dating while Doyoung is an emotional mess isn’t a good idea for either of them. But maybe later, if Jeno’s crush actually means something, they could have a chance. Hopefully, at least.

“For our non-127 members, you’re welcome to stay here for the night,” Taeyong tells them. He starts cleaning up and sequestering his friends to move furniture back. The U members say their goodbye and head out.

“If Renjunnie stays, would it be in separate rooms?” Donghyuk teases.

“Haechan,” Renjun hisses across the broken circle.

“Honestly, I don’t want to have that conversation right now,” Taeyong says. 

“Why is that a conversation we need to have with you?” Yuta asks defensively. But his words are too slurred to have much of an impact. Taeyong rolls his eyes and takes the alcohol back to the kitchen.

“I don’t even want to stay,” Renjun says. “The only reason I stayed last time is because I didn’t want to walk home alone.”

“But Injoonnie has us this time,” Jaemin says. 

“Right,” Jeno says. Jaemin makes finger hearts at Renjun and he laughs. He detangles himself from Yuta’s arms and joins his friends at the door. Donghyuk waves them off and Yuta complains about Renjun leaving.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Hyung,” Renjun reminds him.

“Oh, right,” Yuta says. “Goodbye.” He waves at the three as they leave.

“So,” Jaemin says once they’re out the door. “Why didn’t you mention anything?”

“You didn’t ask?” Renjun asks back confused and defensive. “I don’t know. We’re private about it.”

“Hyung didn’t seem too private about it tonight.”

“He was drinking,” Renjun says. “Why? Is there something wrong?”

“He’s offended you kept it from us,” Jeno says.

“I literally told you guys.”

“Correction. Winwin Hyung texted the group chat,” Jaemin says. “I just feel like if it was serious, you would have talked about it more.” Even with Jaemin’s light tone, his pain is obvious. Renjun gently grabs his hand in his while they walk.

“Sorry, Nana.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Jaemin says though he clearly appreciates it.

“What’s it like?” Jeno asks impulsively.

“Hmm?”

“Like. Having a boyfriend, what’s it like?” Jeno asks. Renjun doesn’t answer right away and his heart quickens. “And I’m sorry, again. About asking you—”

“I already said it wasn’t a big deal,” Renjun says. “And… having a boyfriend isn’t really like anything. It’s loving someone and having them love you back.”

“And?” Jaemin prompts.

“Why are you like this?” Renjun sighs. “I don’t know. You get to be vulnerable and have full, mutual trust.”

“And sex,” Jaemin adds on.

“We haven’t,” Renjun stutters out with a deep blush.

“But do you want to?” Jeno asks. Renjun groans and looks away from his friends.

“What’s with all the questions?” Renjun asks.

“You don’t have to answer,” Jeno says. They’re silent for a while, only hearing the sounds of nighttime over the city.

“Yuta Hyung is shy about these things,” Renjun says finally. “He likes to take it slow.”

“What about you?” Jaemin asks in a serious tone. 

“I wouldn’t _mind_ if he asked me right now. Or even a week ago.”

“Have you ever…?” Jeno trails off. Renjun shakes his head.

“How long have you and Yuta Hyung been dating?” Jaemin asks.

“Technically only two weeks,” Renjun says. “But we were messing around before that. About three months? I can’t remember. It was after my birthday but before Jeno’s.”

“So messing around doesn’t include sex?” Jaemin asks.

“No, we would just kiss and stuff. And talk.” Renjun shrugs. “I guess physical intimacy breeds emotional intimacy.”

“ _Breeds_ ,” Jaemin repeats with a teasing smile.

“Hey, why do you even want to hear about this?” Renjun asks shoving Jaemin away. They laugh and bicker, but Renjun’s words ring in Jeno’s head.

Will the same happen with him and Doyoung if he waits long enough?

 

The week leading up to the concert is grueling. Whole discographies are rehearsed again and again. Exhaustion settles in all the members so acutely, it’s worthless to do anything in the scant free time they receive. Any moment Doyoung gets alone with Jeno is spent sitting and talking, hardly any other fun happening between them.

Which is why Doyoung actually listens to Renjun when he comes up to him on the first day in Osaka with a request.

“How is Hyung doing today?” Renjun asks politely.

“Tired,” Doyoung replies. Practice has just ended, and they finished filming the game used to decide their roommates. Renjun fidgets with the hem of his shirt and avoids Doyoung’s eyes. “What do you need?”

“Nothing,” Renjun says too quick. “But I was wondering…”

“What?” Renjun takes a deep breath and looks up at Doyoung, puppy dog eyes out full force.

“Could you maybe switch rooms with me?” Renjun asks. Doyoung is surprised until he remembers that his roommate is Yuta. “Hyung doesn’t have to,” Renjun continues nervously. “But Lucas Hyung was saying how he wanted to—”

“Don’t lie,” Doyoung says stopping him. He smiles and says, “I know your intentions.” Renjun blushes.

He’s about to say no, tell Renjun he’s sorry, that it’ll cause him too much trouble with Taeyong if he agrees to it. But then he realizes he’s in the same boat. Staying with Jeno these next nights will give them plenty of alone time and privacy that can’t be found in the dorm.

“Only if you can get me to be Jeno’s roommate,” Doyoung says. Renjun looks understandably confused. “What? I just want to spend time with my favorite Dongsaeng.”

“He’s with Jungwoo Hyung,” Renjun says. The way he narrows his eyes makes it hard for Doyoung to breath, but he plays cool.

“So get Jungwoo-ie to room with Xuxi. Then I go with Jeno and you can have Yuta Hyung all to yourself.”

“It’s not like that,” Renjun mutters. “I don’t have any special plans.”

“I didn’t say you did,” Doyoung says enjoying how flustered Renjun looks. 

“I’ll go talk to Jungwoo Hyung,” Renjun says quickly.

“Thank you.” Renjun nods and strides over to Jungwoo without hesitation. Doyoung turns away so they don’t catch him looking if Renjun decides to blame it on him. A few minutes later, Renjun is back at his side. “Success,” he tells him, breathless from his own excitement.

Doyoung might not show it, but he feels the same way. He catches Jeno’s eye on the other side of the room and smiles. Jeno gives him his typical eye smile and a streak of guilt sullies Doyoung’s good mood. He pushes it away by telling himself that Jeno wanted this first.

 

The barely-organized chaos prevents Doyoung or Renjun from telling their roommates about the switch. They’re herded into separate vans and driven to the hotel. No one is even sure what time it is when they’re finally handed room keys. 

Jeno is surprised when Doyoung comes up beside him in the hallway. “Renjun, Jungwoo, and I switched around,” Doyoung says taking Jeno’s hand in his.

“What?” Jeno asks.

“We’re roommates,” Doyoung says. Jeno can’t help the smile on his face mirroring Doyoung’s, a little secret between them. “Don’t tell Taeyonggie Hyung,” he whispers, aware that other members are around them. Luckily, Taeyong and Taeil go to their room before any of the members that switched, so Taeyong doesn’t notice them going in the wrong rooms. But Donghyuk sees Yuta and Renjun entering the same room and teases them discreetly.

“Another reason not to tell anyone,” Doyoung jokes as he unlocks the door to their room.

“Right,” Jeno agrees. He’s practically vibrating with excitement, the fatigue leaving his body as he thinks about all the possibilities. 

“Let’s put our things away first,” Doyoung says like he read Jeno’s mind. He blushes but does as he’s told. 

“How did Hyung manage this switch?” Jeno asks while they unpack.

“Renjunnie asked me to switch with him so he could be with Yuta Hyung,” Doyoung explains. “And I told him only if I could be with you.” Jeno only nods. He doesn’t trust himself to respond normally.

Never before has Jeno unpacked so quickly. But Doyoung is taking his time. Jeno fidgets beside his bed, shifting his weight and swinging his arms. “Why don’t you go wash up while I finish?” Doyoung asks it naturally, like he’s perfectly calm.

Jeno washes his face quickly and changes into fresh clothes in the bathroom. When he emerges, Doyoung is finished. Jeno bounces over to him, ready to wrap his arms around his neck, but Doyoung steps away.

“Wait for me,” Doyoung says. 

“Yes, Hyung,” Jeno says. 

“And stop fidgeting,” Doyoung says. Jeno straightens his back and grabs the seams of his shorts to force his hands to still. Doyoung smiles again and says, “good.” He disappears into the bathroom.

So Jeno waits. He stays impeccably motionless, hardly even breathing. He feels so wound up from the anticipation, his muscles tense and his heart racing. He’s not like Renjun, he’s not ready to have sex, but he’s ready for _something_. He knows his limits and he knows Doyoung will respect them, but he’s excited to see how far Doyoung will push it. Wild thoughts dominate his mind until the door opens.

Doyoung emerges, water droplets on his neck and the roots of his bangs pressed against his skin. Jeno’s breath catches. He can’t recall this hyung looking so handsome. Beautiful. Sexy. There’re a million words clogging his mind.

“Relax,” Doyoung whispers crossing over to him. Jeno remembers how to breathe. He tries to nod. Doyoung chuckles, and a shiver goes up Jeno’s spine. His skin tingles from where Doyoung holds his wrists. “What do you want tonight?” His voice is so velvety, like he’s singing a ballad full of too many metaphors for Jeno to decode without blushing. 

“Whatever,” Jeno says quietly before he can think better of it. Doyoung’s smile widens and he raises his eyebrows. “No, that’s not what I meant—”

“Didn’t think so,” Doyoung says.

“But. I don’t know. Something.” Jeno’s voice trails off and he has to look away from Doyoung’s intense stare. 

“Alright,” Doyoung says. “But we can stop whenever we want. I won’t get upset with you if you don’t want to do anything other than kissing tonight. I’ve had sex before, but I don’t want you to feel pressured to impress me.”

“You’ve had sex?” Jeno asks, eyes wide. Doyoung nods gravely.

“And it’s a serious thing. So think carefully before you agree to anything, with anyone.”

“Hyung, you’re nagging.”

“I don’t want you to make any mistakes,” Doyoung says. “Do you trust me?” Jeno nods. “Say it, I need to hear it.”

“I trust you, Hyung,” Jeno says barely getting the words out clearly.

“Good. Now, is there anything you absolutely do not want to do right now?” Doyoung doesn’t speak again even when Jeno is silent.

“No sex right now,” Jeno says finally, blushing hard. “And n-no…orgasms.”

“Alright. We’re on the same page.” Doyoung’s demeanor is the same as if they were talking about what to have for dinner. “You’re still young, and I don’t want to be taking advantage of—”

“Isn’t this ruining the romantic atmosphere?” Jeno asks trying to laugh. His question isn’t entirely true. It’s hard to think about anything but kissing Doyoung when he’s this close to him, even if the talking is embarrassing or banal. But he does want Doyoung to stop talking to him like he’s still a kid.

“This is about consent,” Doyoung says. “Making sure you’re comfortable with what we do before we do it. I don’t want there to be any regrets. It’s being mature. There’s nothing more romantic than that.”

“Yeah, okay, Hyung.”

“Jeno, I’m being serious.” Any other sarcastic retort died on his lips. Jeno swallows hard and nods.

“I’ll take it seriously.”

“Thank you.” One of Doyoung’s hands releases Jeno’s wrist and slides around his waist, pulling him even closer. “Anything else?” Jeno shakes his head. “Say it.”

“There’s nothing else, Hyung.”

“Good.” Doyoung’s other hand grabs the back of Jeno’s neck and pulls him in. Jeno fists his hands in Doyoung’s shirt while he shoves his tongue in Jeno’s mouth.

The anticipation diffused and now Jeno just _wants_. Doyoung guides him to the nearest bed and nudges him onto it. He wines when Doyoung has to break away to get on top of him. They’re half-sitting, Jeno bracing his arms against the bed while Doyoung runs his hands over his chest and around his neck, carding his hands up through his hair then back down to his waist.

Jeno gasps when Doyoung moves to his jawline. It’s almost ticklish how Doyoung barely skates his lips across his skin. He places his hand on the small of Jeno’s back, pulling him closer and then easing him down onto the bed. “Relax,” Doyoung says against his neck. He readjusts his body so he’s in between Jeno’s legs.

“Can I take your shirt off?” Doyoung asks rubbing the hem of his shirt between his fingers. Jeno nods. “Tell me out loud.” Doyoung patiently waits even when Jeno whines and tries to lean up to kiss him. He only pushes Jeno back down gently and remains apart from him.

“Yes, please,” Jeno says. It’s so maddening the way Doyoung plays with him, but he doesn’t want it to stop.

Doyoung is meticulous and slow in pulling up Jeno’s shirt. “Why don’t you be helpful?” Doyoung suggests lightly when it’s halfway off. Jeno leans up enough to free the fabric to slide past his ribs and to his shoulders. 

Jeno groans in frustration when Doyoung stands up and folds the shirt with measured movements. “Stay,” Doyoung says. He saunters over to the other bed, walking all the way to the far side, and sets the shirt down. Jeno attempts to not show his impatience when Doyoung takes his time to return, to climb back between his legs.

“So tense,” Doyoung remarks when he runs his hands down Jeno’s thighs, dragging the bottom of the shorts up against his skin a few centimeters. Jeno tries to relax against Doyoung’s touch. He places his hands on Doyoung’s shoulders to coax him closer. “Is there something you want? Use your words.”

“Kiss me, Hyung,” Jeno breathes out.

“It’s so good when you tell me what you want,” Doyoung praises. He leans forward to kiss Jeno, his hands tracing the muscles on his torso.

He gets lost in the kissing, in the hands against his bare skin. Jeno’s mind wanders and his own fingers inch under the hem of Doyoung’s shirt. He doesn’t say anything when Jeno slides his hands against his stomach, up to his floating ribs.

But that’s far enough. Jeno is comfortable like this, even though he’s more exposed than Doyoung who’s fully clothed. It’s nice, it’s relaxing to have Doyoung take care of him and make him feel loved. Is this what Renjun was talking about? Having full mutual trust and being vulnerable with each other?

If so, then why is Jeno still confused about if he really likes Doyoung?

“Is something wrong?” Doyoung asks pulling away. He sits up on his heels, a hand absent-mindedly rubbing circles on Jeno’s knee.

“Nothing is wrong,” Jeno lies. “I’m just… tired. It’s late. We practiced a lot.” Doyoung nods.

“Yeah, we should probably go to bed.” Doyoung stands and stretches his arms above his head. Jeno sits up and tries to fluff his hair out. “Remind me to tell the managers about switching rooms tomorrow so they can coordinate the broadcasts again.”

“Okay.” Doyoung grabs his shirt off the other bed and hands it to Jeno. 

“So which bed do you want?” 

“Oh. I was thinking we could share,” Jeno admits bashfully. He looks up at Doyoung through his eyelashes and toys with his shirt in his lap. Doyoung smiles indulgently.

“Of course,” he says softly. Jeno throws his shirt on and shifts around until Doyoung can pull the blankets back and get underneath them with him. 

Jeno flips the bedside lamp off and waits. He knows Doyoung will want to initiate whatever cuddling he plans. So he lays stationary until he feels a hand on his hip. He lets Doyoung make him turn around and pull him against his chest, so their bodies are curved together.

“Good night,” Doyoung says against his back. Jeno repeats it. Even if his mind is confused, his heart is at peace for the night. 

 

The next day after the schedules are done, Doyoung finds himself in Taeyong’s room. He knows he’s torturing himself every time he talks to Taeyong or has any skinship with him, the same as it’s been for the last four years. Today he decides it’ll be good punishment for how he’s been taking advantage of Jeno, especially after last night. Maybe it will help ease the guilt Doyoung feels.

“What do you want?” Taeyong asks pretending to be annoyed when Doyoung enters. 

“Nothing,” Doyoung says with a cheeky smile. Taeyong is sitting up on his bed, leaning against the headboard trying to read. He acts disgruntled when Doyoung forces himself unto the bed and puts Taeyong’s book on the bedside table.

“You’re unbelievable.” But Taeyong is smiling and Doyoung pretends that it’s a special smile he only gives to him. Doyoung lays across the bed and folds his arms over Taeyong’s lap, setting his head on top.

Taeyong doesn’t say anything about the proximity, about Doyoung’s arm across his hips and his face mere inches from his dick. “How have you been, Hyung?” Doyoung asks looking up at him. 

“Good,” Taeyong says. “Tired,” he adds on. He has his hands by his side, as if he’s afraid to touch Doyoung. _Don’t be paranoid_ , Doyoung tells himself. “How’s your roommate?”

The way he asks it makes Doyoung frown. “Fine,” Doyoung says.

“Let me rephrase. How’s _Yuta_?”

“Don’t play these games, Hyung. It’s no fun,” Doyoung says like he’s not bothered by it.

“I worry about them,” Taeyong says.

“They’re adults,” Doyoung says. “Let them do what they want. What is there to worry about?” Taeyong shrugs. “Oh, I get it. You need to be in control of the situation.”

Taeyong doesn’t answer, his expression unreadable. Doyoung sighs. “They’re probably alright. Renjun is comfortable in the relationship, if the power imbalance is what’s bothering you.”

“It’s not.”

“Either way, they seem happy. I don’t know details, though.”

“No one does,” Taeyong says. “They’re subtle. I hardly even see them treat each other differently.”

“I’m thankful I don’t have to see them sucking face all the time,” Doyoung says. Taeyong snorts at his crass words. “I’ve never seen them do anything after they said they were dating. Though, one of them will occasionally come and ask me something.”

“Like what?” Taeyong looks genuinely confused and Doyoung smiles at his innocence.

“Like Yuta Hyung wanted to know how to give head.” Taeyong makes a strangled noise, like he choked on his own spit.

“ _What_ ,” Taeyong exclaims. Doyoung laughs until he finds his composure. “What did you tell him?”

“I told him how to give good head,” Doyoung says with a shrug. 

“Okay, but what did you _tell_ him,” Taeyong reiterates. 

Doyoung is thrown for a loop. He checks Taeyong’s expression. His eyes are wide in anticipation and Doyoung can hear his shallow breaths. Doyoung knows he should stop, that he should not talk about this with his unrequited love. But years of frustration makes him irrational and pulls a mischievous smirk on his lips.

“Well,” Doyoung says letting his voice draw in a sultry way. He can feel Taeyong’s focus on him while he talks. “I told him that you don’t go straight for the dick.” Taeyong raises an eyebrow and tries to look unimpressed. “I told him it’s good to start with using the mouth other places.

“Like after he has his partner undressed, kiss the thighs first. Or the hips. Maybe even higher up and work your way down.” Doyoung lets one of his hands trail down the side of Taeyong’s thigh, raising his head to make room. Taeyong hasn’t moved a muscle, but his eyes have darkened. “And if your partner is into it, you can be a little teethy. Leave marks.

“The point is to wait until they’re turned on enough that they’re already leaking when you finally touch them. Use your hand first, let the dryness get almost uncomfortable until he’s begging for you to use your mouth.” Doyoung pauses and flicks his eyes to Taeyong’s lips, smirk still present on his own. He swears Taeyong gulps.

“But even when I finally get to using my mouth,” Doyoung says. He drags his hand back up Taeyong’s thigh, letting his fingers curl so his nails scratch into the fabric of his skinny jeans. “I don’t take it all at one. Start small. I’d tease a little first. Swirl my tongue around the head before licking up the shaft,” he says letting his finger draw out the motions on his leg. Taeyong’s breath is shallower and he tries to shift, but Doyoung’s arm across his hips keeps him from moving.

“Then,” Doyoung continues, his eyes locked with Taeyong’s. “Maybe if you begged I’d take you into my mouth all the way. I bet I could take it all. Then I would set the pace. Slow at first, just up and down, maybe sucking hard enough to get you to moan. 

“But you’d get impatient. You’d start trying to grab my hair or fuck into my mouth. But it wouldn’t be allowed, so I’d continue slowly until you begged for more. Then, if I decide you deserved it, I’d let you cum.”

“Deserved it?” Taeyong asks quietly, voice creaking in a growl from the tension in his body.

“Yeah,” Doyoung says with a shrug. “Everyone knows you want to get dominated in bed. That’s one way of going about it. Letting someone else be in control might be healthy for you.”

“Maybe it would be,” Taeyong says. His intense eyes fixed on Doyoung’s when he says that has Doyoung thinking too many things at once.

“W-what?” He sputters out. 

Whatever spell was over them is suddenly broken. Doyoung sits up, choosing not to think about how hard Taeyong felt when he moved his arm across his lap. Taeyong blinks away the fierce look and curls in on himself as if he’s scared or embarrassed, Doyoung doesn’t have the time to figure it out.

“I should go,” Doyoung says. 

He doesn’t wait for Taeyong’s answer. He leaves quickly, almost forgetting his room key on the way out. The conversation plays on repeat in his head. Did he really switch pronouns at the end? Did he really speak to Taeyong like he was planning a play for them? 

And did Taeyong really ask Doyoung to dominate him?

There’s way too much happening right now.

 

And Jeno has no idea why Doyoung is pacing when he comes back to the room. “I thought you went to see Taeyong Hyung?” Jeno asks carefully. Doyoung looks at him briefly before continuing his pacing.

“Weren’t you with Mark and Jaemin?” Doyoung asks back distractedly.

“They wanted to go to bed.” Jeno crosses over to Doyoung and grabs hold of his hands to stop him from moving. “What’s wrong?”

Doyoung shakes his head and tries to step out of his arms. “Hyung, calm down,” Jeno says forcefully. Doyoung sighs and stops fighting. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Doyoung says.

“Did you have another fight with Taeyong Hyung?”

“No,” Doyoung says, and Jeno can tell he’s being truthful. 

“Then what happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” His shifty eyes and fidgety hands make Jeno frown. He needs to distract him.

“Do you want to make-out?” Jeno asks jokingly. It gets Doyoung to laugh. 

“Is that all you think about?” Doyoung asks sounding calmer.

“No, but it’s hard not to when my Hyung is so handsome,” Jeno says enjoying how Doyoung laughs flustered. 

“Don’t start talking like Jaeminnie, please,” Doyoung says. “I can’t handle both of you doing that.” Jeno grabs his hands and swings their arms.

“Doyounggie Hyung,” Jeno calls mimicking Jaemin’s typical cute tone. Doyoung has to look away while he laughs. “I want you to kiss me.” He pouts his lips and tries to not laugh at his own cringey behavior.

“If I kiss you will you stop acting like this?” Doyoung says. Jeno nods and lets his natural smile show. He gets a sweet kiss in return.

“A real kiss, Hyung,” Jeno says. “Please.” Doyoung rolls his eyes but leans in again.

It’s not as purposeful as his kisses normally are, like he’s still distracted. “Hey, Hyung,” Jeno calls pulling away. “What if…” Doyoung raises an eyebrow. “What if I take care of you for the night? Like you usually do for me. Since you aren’t feeling well.”

Doyoung looks amused by the idea, a small smile on his face. Jeno bites his lower lip and his ears burn. “You just want to tell me what to do,” Doyoung says.

“That’s not it,” Jeno whines. Doyoung laughs and he joins in. He loves the way Doyoung looks when he laughs, how bright his smile is and free his eyes are.

“Okay,” Doyoung says. “Do whatever you want to me.” He holds his arms out raises his eyebrows. Jeno rolls his eyes but tries to figure out his next move. He didn’t expect Doyoung to agree with it.

“Um, sit down,” Jeno says leading him by the shoulders. Doyoung doesn’t resist. He lets Jeno sit him on the bed and push him up against the headboard so Jeno can straddle his hips. Doyoung’s hands automatically go to his hips while Jeno settles on him. “Relax,” Jeno says.

“You can’t steal my lines,” Doyoung teases. “Come on, I thought you were an MC.”

“I am. But I learn from the best.” He gives Doyoung a winning smile and he laughs at him. “Now be quiet. This is serious.” Both of them fail to stifle their laughter. “Hyung, you’re ruining the mood.”

“What did I tell you? Just take it. If you want me to stop laughing, then kiss me like you mean it.” Doyoung is still laughing as he says the sentence, but Jeno does as he’s told and kisses him.

The humor fades. Jeno licks his way into Doyoung’s mouth. Doyoung slides a hand down to his thigh and grips it hard. But it continues to feel distracted, so Jeno works harder. He pushes Doyoung’s shirt up his chest and skates his nails down his torso. 

Jeno moves his mouth to Doyoung’s neck, careful not to bite too hard and leave marks. Doyoung lets out a shaky breath when Jeno kisses underneath his jaw. And Jeno’s happy. He’s happy that he can make Doyoung feel good like this, that Doyoung will gasp when his nails go across his ribs and moan when he grinds his hips down.

Doyoung’s head hits the backboard with a dull thud when Jeno rolls his hips a second time. Jeno loses his focus after the third time just from how good it feels. He rests his head on Doyoung’s shoulder and holds his sides harsh enough to leave marks under his nails in the soft skin of his stomach.

In the midst of their panting, Jeno hears small moans. Their skin is slick with sweat and he’s so unfocused he can hardly make out words from Doyoung’s lips. But he keeps hearing a certain phrase, and when it finally comes through Jeno stops dead.

“Taeyong Hyung?” Jeno asks bewildered. “Did you just say Taeyong Hyung?” Doyoung jerks away like he was struck by electricity. 

His words come out a jumbled mess between heavy breaths. He holds his hands out between them while he tries to form an excuse. There’s such potent fear in his eyes that Jeno’s heart hurts for him. 

 

“Is Taeyong Hyung the guy you love?” Jeno asks softly. 

His tone makes Doyoung stop freaking out. He replays the sentence to make sure he heard right. Coupled with the serene expression on Jeno’s face, Doyoung is at a lost. Jeno has no anger, maybe only sadness, as he waits for Doyoung to explain.

And so Doyoung explains. He confesses everything. He starts from the first day Taeyong made his heart flutter all the way until he sort-of-but-didn’t-really confess to him. Doyoung even tells Jeno the motivations behind him asking Jeno to fake-date. The shock and distrust on his face when Doyoung tells him he knew about his crush breaks Doyoung’s heart, though Jeno becomes somber again quickly.

Through it all, Jeno doesn’t move. He stays in Doyoung’s lap, playing with his fingers and nodding solemnly in all the right places. He doesn’t say anything when tears roll down Doyoung’s cheeks, only grabbing the nearby box of tissues for him. It feels like hours while Doyoung lays his heart out, describing his worst secrets in detail. Finally, when Jeno is sure Doyoung has nothing else to say, he speaks. 

“I’m sorry.” Doyoung wasn’t expecting it. He stares into Jeno’s eyes and only sees sincerity and empathy.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Doyoung says. “I’m the one that took advantage of you.”

“Honestly, Hyung,” Jeno says with a rueful smile. “I felt like I was taking advantage of you.”

“You’re still young,” Doyoung says. “I shouldn’t have seen your feelings and used them to manipulate you.”

“It’s fine. It’s not—I was thinking it was just a dumb crush anyway. Crushes are just repressed emotions, right?”

“Jeno…” Doyoung sighs. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry I liked you, idiot,” Jeno says. He forces a smile. “I don’t think it’s even a real crush.”

“How do you know?”

“Because… I don’t know.” Jeno sits back on Doyoung’s thighs and takes a deep breath. “Could Hyung—could you please tell me how you feel about Taeyong Hyung? Like if you had to describe your love?”

“I can’t actually love him,” Doyoung says though his heart believes otherwise. “Biology doesn’t work like that.”

“Then tell me about your crush, if you want to call it that,” Jeno says. “Please?”

“This feels cruel, manipulating you then making you listen to my sob story.”

“Hyung.”

“Okay, fine.” Doyoung sighs. “I’m not good with the gushy stuff, but here we go.”

“MC Doyoung,” Jeno says quietly with a smile. Doyoung rolls his eyes but continues.

“Taeyonggie Hyung… He’s really something else. When I first met him, even though he was still young like me, it felt like he had already witnessed the end of his life. He didn’t ask to be the leader or pretend that he was the best option. He just was.

“I think I fell in love with him when I would see him day after day take care of the others before himself. You know, he’s such an old man, the way he always aches after practice. But his soul is the same way. He’ll hurt a thousand times over before he lets someone else get a splinter. He never complained about his pain when one of the other trainees was injured. He just took care of them.

“Taeyong Hyung cares so much about us, it makes me want to care about people. I know I’m cold in comparison but being with him makes me better. In relationships, people should compliment each other. And every day I knew him I thought more and more how we just _fit_ together. But maybe it’s the reality that it’ll never work out that keeps me holding on to that dumb idea.”

Doyoung wants to continue, but the words have left him. He holds Jeno’s hands in his and tries not to cry again. Four years of never breathing a word and now he’s admitted it thrice in the past couple weeks. He can’t believe what hell has consumed him to be like this. 

“I think,” Jeno says after too long a silence. “I think I understand what it means to love someone now.”

“It can’t be love,” Doyoung says, tone devoid of anything. “It’s just a dumb crush.”

“Well, even if it is just a crush, Hyung, you can still love him.”

“What?”

“When you love someone, you want to take care of them, right?”

“Right.”

“That doesn’t mean they have to love you back. I think if I really loved you, then I wouldn’t have agreed to fake-date. I wouldn’t have been motivated by my own self-interests to date you when it would have been better for you if we didn’t fool around. If I really loved you, then I would choose the option that’s better for you, instead of the option that’s better for me.

“So I say keep loving Taeyong Hyung. Even if he tells you he hates you, do whatever you can to make him happy. Accept your feelings.”

“When did you get so wise?” Doyoung tries to joke to cover up his emotions. If he had anymore tears to spill, they would have already fallen.

“Hyung, do you accept your feelings?” Jeno is smiling but his eyes are serious. Doyoung doesn’t want to consider the two options. Both feel like the wrong choice. But Doyoung nods. Four years of this bullshit has to end at some point.

“I accept my feelings.” Doyoung sighs. “I should go talk to him.”

“You’re going to confess?” Jeno stares at him with wide eyes.

“I kind of have to at this point,” Doyoung admits. “Things are complicated.” Jeno is about to ask questions he doesn’t have the patience to answer at this point, so Doyoung continues. “What about you? Have you decided whether or not your straight?”

“Honestly, I’m still unsure, but I feel like after the past couple weeks I’ve lost my straight card.” Jeno’s smile reaches all the way to his eyes and Doyoung laughs at him. “It doesn’t feel like that big of a deal anymore. Like something clicked into place. I’ll just keep going with whatever I get. If I meet a girl, I meet a girl. If I meet a guy, I meet a guy. But I’m going to wait until I find someone who makes me feel how Taeyong Hyung makes you feel.”

“I wouldn’t wish that for you,” Doyoung says only half-joking. 

A comfortable silence settles over them and Doyoung tries to gather the strength to go talk to Taeyong. “Wait until tomorrow when you’re less tired,” Jeno says reading his mind. 

“Should we go to bed then?” He certainly doesn’t mind procrastinating on this.

“Can we still share a bed?” Jeno asks shyly. Doyoung smiles indulgently and kisses his forehead.

“Of course.” 

Jeno gets up and they start getting ready for bed. Doyoung is sluggish, fatigue from performing compounding with the fatigue from the drama. It’s a blessing when he finally crawls into bed with Jeno.

“I love you, Hyung.”

“I love you too.”

“But platonically,” Jeno adds on.

“Don’t ruin the atmosphere.” 

“Sorry. It’s my specialty.”

“Goodnight.” Doyoung pauses, glad that the darkness obscures his face from Jeno. “And thank you.”

“It’s nothing.” Jeno wiggles around until he can force Doyoung to switch positions. It feels strange for Doyoung, to be held instead of holding. But it calms his spirit as he plays through the different ways he could ruin his greatest friendship tomorrow.

 

It vaguely feels like déjà vu when Doyoung goes to Taeyong and Taeil’s room. He doesn’t give any time to talk himself up or talk himself out of it. Doyoung knocks on the door sharply.

“Hey,” Taeil greets Doyoung. Doyoung silently thanks the universe that Taeil answered the door instead of Taeyong.

“Can I talk to Taeyong Hyung?” Doyoung asks getting straight to the point. “Privately?”

Taeil understandably looks confused. “Did you guys have a fight?” He asks quietly. Doyoung shrugs. He was careful during rehearsal and the performances to not act differently around Taeyong, and the leader pretended the same. “We’ve had so much drama this year.”

“It’s not drama,” Doyoung lies. “I just need advice.”

“You’re going to invite Taeyong to lecture you?”

“Shut up,” Doyoung whines.

“I’m kidding,” Taeil says with a smile. “Let me grab my shoes and I’ll leave you alone.” He disappears back into the room and Doyoung lets out the breath he was holding. Taeil leaves a few moments later, patting Doyoung’s shoulder on the way out.

He takes a few seconds to gather himself before entering the room. Even if Taeyong completely rejects him and they’re friendship is ruined, it’s the only option left. At least there won’t be unsaid tension. 

Taeyong is sitting on his bed again, but all his attention rests on the doorway like he was waiting for him. He has the same focused expression he wears during practice and it makes Doyoung’s heart race. “We need to talk,” Doyoung declares. Taeyong looks hesitant but nods.

“Do you—”

“I’ll start,” Doyoung says. He crosses his arms I front of his chest and tries to keep his eyes on Taeyong. 

“I love you. Like I’ve had a crush on you for the past four years. I understand if you’ll never like me back, but I thought you should know.” With the words out, Doyoung slumps forward. A strange, empty feeling fills his body as he waits for Taeyong’s response.

“Doyoung…” he looks stunned, like a young deer watching his mother get killed. “If I’m being honest, I kind of suspected it.” He’s careful with each word, avoiding Doyoung’s gaze as he talks. “And, I’m sorry. About yesterday. For taking advantage of you when I knew this and insinuating things.”

“You’re sorry?” Doyoung asks in confusion. Taeyong nods. The shock is enough to cleanse the fear and now he’s left with only one question. “So were you being serious?”

He takes too long to answer. Doyoung can’t see his expression from the way he ducks his head, but the silence tells him. Eventually, Taeyong says, “maybe.”

“Maybe doesn’t mean shit,” Doyoung says. “What do you want from me? Do you want me to get you off? Or do you want me to order you around?” Taeyong shrugs and just barely looks up so Doyoung can get a glimpse of his eyes.

“Both?” He sounds so meek and unsure, a complete contrast to how he sounds as their leader. 

For an eternity, Doyoung just stands there. He can’t believe the opportunity in front of him. He wonders if that the road he paved with bad intentions might actually lead to his heaven. 

Except, he’s not too stupid to realize what this is. Taeyong is asking him to sleep with him even though he’s going to throw him out in the end. When Doyoung confessed, Taeyong didn’t say he reciprocated. But the next words tumble out before he can stop them.

“Alright then,” Doyoung says. “On your knees.” He drops the honorifics and points to the floor beside the bed. Taeyong scoffs.

“Seriously?” Taeyong asks with a smile. Doyoung keeps his expression unamused.

“You said you want to get ordered around. Now get on your knees.” Taeyong hesitates, biting his lip, before he gets up and kneels on the ground. Doyoung steps in front of him and Taeyong looks like he’s holding his breath.

His hand is shaking when he cups Taeyong’s cheek. “First,” he whispers softly. “Pick a safe word. We can end this anytime you want. We can forget about it.”

“The safe word is firetruck,” Taeyong says without hesitation. Doyoung can’t help the smile on his face.

“Wow, you don’t even have the decency to pick a comeback I was a part of.” Taeyong shrugs and gives him a lopsided smile. “But it works. Get up.” Doyoung pulls him to his feet. “Is kissing okay?” Taeyong nods his head. “Use your words,” Doyoung scolds.

“Yes, it’s okay,” Taeyong says hurriedly. 

“Good.” Doyoung allows himself three whole seconds to take in the beautiful image of Taeyong looking at him with his lips pursed and eyes wide before Doyoung kisses him.

He’s clearly a little inexperienced, but Doyoung is blinded by his affection at this point. He holds himself back from moaning and pulls Taeyong closer to him by the waist. Taeyong makes a surprised noise, but he’s pliant in his hands. He lets Doyoung break away and shove him back down.

“On your knees,” Doyoung says. His blood is running hot with how quickly Taeyong follows his orders. He looks up at Doyoung expectantly. Doyoung makes him wait before running his fingers through his hair. Taeyong leans against the touch and whimpers when Doyoung tugs. “Now let’s see how much you remember of what I told you yesterday.”

There’s a surprised and almost scared look on Taeyong’s face. “How about it?” Doyoung asks treading the line of being dominant and making sure a new partner is comfortable. A few seconds and Taeyong nods. “Tell me verbally.”

“Sounds good,” Taeyong says, his pale cheeks colored dark red. 

“Good,” Doyoung says dragging his fingers through his hair again. The most serene expression goes over Taeyong’s face from the praise. Taeyong raises an arm and Doyoung pulls on his hair harshly. “Keep your hands to yourself unless I say otherwise.”

“Yes, Hyung.” His arm floats in the air like he might still grab at Doyoung and his eyes are scrunched shut as he gasps for air.

“You don’t have to call me Hyung if you don’t want to make it weird,” Doyoung teases.

“Sorry,” Taeyong says and it sounds so guilty Doyoung’s heart hurts. Doyoung releases the tight grip and pets Taeyong’s hair back. Taeyong relaxes again and opens his eyes, searching for Doyoung’s praise or criticism.

“Good.” The slightest smile graces Taeyong’s face and Doyoung is having trouble keeping his composure. Taeyong’s eyes flick from his face to his waist, a silent question on his open lips. “Do you remember what I said yesterday?” Taeyong nods, but before Doyoung can reprimand him he follows it verbally.

“Yes. I remember it. All of it,” Taeyong says breathless.

“We’ll see,” Doyoung says clicking his tongue. Taeyong frowns and his eyes have fire to accept the challenge.

Doyoung undoes the button of his pants slowly. He goes through the process of taking his dick out leisurely, as he does with everything. There’s something sweet in watching his partner’s anticipation grow, whether the situation is mundane or sexual. And right now there are too many things to think about. 

He can’t believe Taeyong is on his knees for him, looking up at him like he’s the most important person in the world. He can’t believe Taeyong is being submissive for him and didn’t immediately reject him when he confessed. Maybe this means nothing and Taeyong will tell Doyoung it’s a one-time thing and to forget about it afterwards. But for now, Doyoung will enjoy every minute of pretending he can call Taeyong his.

Taeyong oscillates between watching Doyoung’s hands working and staring into his eyes. He licks his lips, and if Doyoung wasn’t so in love he would have laughed at how cheesy it looks in the moment. Finally, Doyoung reveals himself and trails of fear run through Taeyong at the sight.

“Do you remember what I said first?” Doyoung asks. He’s already half-hard so he only lazily strokes his length with one hand while the other goes back to Taeyong’s hair. Taeyong is mesmerized by the sight in front of him and doesn’t answer. “Focus,” Doyoung scolds tugging lightly on his hair.

Taeyong gasps and looks up at Doyoung, eyes wide. “W-wha—”

“Do you remember the first thing I said?”

“Yes.” 

“Alright. When I explained it yesterday, I explained how I would go about it. But roles are reversed here. Since I told you to keep your hands to yourself, let’s go straight to using your mouth, okay?” 

Taeyong’s skin is flushed and Doyoung can only stare at his lips. He takes too long to respond and Doyoung tugs on his hair again. “Yes, sounds good,” Taeyong says, voice raising in pitch.

“Good.” Doyoung gently guides Taeyong forward, stopping with a little space in between. He won’t push Taeyong here. He has to make the decision on his own. Even as Doyoung loses count of the passing seconds. 

But then he leans forward, tongue coming out to lick experimentally. He grimaces but goes back to lick up the shaft. It’s been so long since Doyoung has gotten off with a partner, he shudders despite the absolute lack of skill. “Good, good,” Doyoung mutters just to see Taeyong smile to himself and gather enough confidence to do more.

He swirls his tongue around the head and goes back up the shaft. “Come on, Yong-ah,” Doyoung scolds. “You should know what feels good.” Taeyong ducks his head in shame. “Try taking it in. Roll your lips back so your teeth don’t scratch.” Taeyong looks unsure, but he does as he’s told.

“Better,” Doyoung says when Taeyong wraps his lips around the tip. “More, if you can.” And Taeyong tentatively lets him slide past his lips until he jerks back. “Careful, don’t hurt yourself. It’s easier if you swallow. It’ll relax your throat muscles.”

Taeyong tries again, swallowing before it hits the back of his throat. Marginally more successful. “You work so hard,” Doyoung praises. He slides his hand to the back of Taeyong’s neck and sets an easy pace, gentle as to not make him gag.

And it feels so good. Doyoung barely holds back his moans as Taeyong speeds up. Every time he looks down at Taeyong, he falls in love with him all over again. He’s close, but he wants this to last as long as possible, this rare moment of paradise he’ll never hold again.

But boundaries first. Doyoung is responsible. So he pulls Taeyong away and makes him look him in the eye. He looks scared and guilty and Doyoung is quick to soothe him with his hands on his neck and in his hair. “Are you comfortable swallowing?”

“Um…” Taeyong’s eyes flit around and he bites at his swollen lips. “How does it taste?”

“It varies,” Doyoung says. “I don’t know what I would taste like. Bitter probably. Usually when you swallow, though, you take it as deep as you can, so it doesn’t actually hit your tongue.”

“Oh, okay,” Taeyong pauses in contemplation, “I’d like to try then.”

Doyoung doesn’t know what he did to deserve such grace. He doesn’t say anything, but Taeyong’s face still lights up like he praised him, Doyoung’s eyes expressing his thanks while he brushes his hair back. 

"You work so hard for us,” Doyoung says sweetly.

With that, Taeyong is back on him eagerly. Doyoung lets himself moan softly, not loud enough to be heard through the walls but enough to let Taeyong know how well he’s doing. And then he’s there. He gives a warning, one last chance for Taeyong to back out, but Taeyong only takes him as deep as he can and doesn’t flinch.

“Fuck,” Doyoung says trying to catch his breath. Taeyong pulls off him with a grimace and Doyoung tucks himself back into his pants. Taeyong coughs into his mouth a couple times and struggles to swallow properly. Doyoung quickly goes to the sink.

He comes back with a cup of water and kneels beside Taeyong. Doyoung holds the cup to his mouth and gets him to drink. “Thank you,” Taeyong says after he’s downed the whole cup. “It’s… sticky. Hard to—to swallow.” His cheeks are bright red, and he avoids Doyoung’s eyes.

“Yes, and you did so good,” Doyoung tells him. He strokes the back of his neck and up through his hair. “How do you want me to take care of you now? With my mouth or with my hands?” 

Taeyong seems surprised by the question, like he forgot about himself. His gaze snaps down to his lap and he blushes about how obviously hard he is. “Whichever you want,” Taeyong mutters.

“Hands then,” Doyoung says. “Since I have to sing tomorrow.” 

He guides Taeyong to his feet and lets him latch onto his arms for balance. His legs are wobbly from kneeling so long and he winces in pain. “Are you alright?” Doyoung asks softly, holding him by the waist.

“I’m fine.”

“Let’s sit down and be more comfortable, okay?” Taeyong looks relieved.

“Okay.”

Doyoung leads him back onto the bed. He arranges the pillows against the headboard and has Taeyong sit against them. Doyoung moves his legs apart and sits in between them. “Clothes on or off?”

“On, but…” Taeyong trails off. But Doyoung understands when his hands go to the waist of his pants. Doyoung intercepts and moves his hands to his sides.

“I’ll do it for you.” Taeyong makes a whining noise but doesn’t protest. 

Doyoung kisses him while he pulls his dick out. Taeyong seems so relaxed against him and it has Doyoung smiling. Also it certainly helps that he’s about to get his crush off. He pulls back to see every part of Taeyong.

He has his eyes closed and he’s holding his breath. Doyoung strokes his dick and his breath catches. Taeyong’s shoulders shake, and he fists his hands into the bed sheets trying not to reach out. Doyoung circles his fingers around the head and passes his thumb over the slit, already leaking.

“Dammit,” Taeyong curses under his breath.

“What was that?” Doyoung asks. Taeyong just shakes his head, all his muscles tense, veins straining against his skin. “Don’t look away from me. Open your eyes.” Taeyong whines and Doyoung starts worrying he might have over stepped, gone too fast for his first time.

He removes his hands and calls Taeyong’s name softly. The second time gets Taeyong to open his eyes properly. “Tell me if you need to stop or take a break,” Doyoung says. “There’s no shame if it’s too much.” He uses his clean hand to cup Taeyong’s cheek, not wanting to irritate his mysophobia. 

“I was…” Taeyong’s voice is barely audible.

“No need to explain,” Doyoung says. “I’m here to care for you, not just to scold you. I’m not upset with you.” Taeyong steadies his breathing.

“I want to continue.”

“Alright.” Doyoung kisses his forehead and grabs his dick again. He feels Taeyong tense up. “Relax,” Doyoung whispers. “I’ll take care of you.”

Some of the tension is released immediately, but the rest takes time for Doyoung to coax out. Taeyong is already being so submissive it’s not worth it for Doyoung to keep exerting his authority. So instead he focuses on taking care of him, on making it feel good.

Taeyong is breathing heavy and his hands are back twisted up in the sheets again. He’s looking away from Doyoung. “Are you okay?” Doyoung asks slowing his pace. Taeyong nods and tries to buck his hips up. “I need you to tell me.”

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” Taeyong says. “But I want…”

“What do you want?” Doyoung says pulling his hand faster now. Taeyong moans almost too loud for the thin walls. “Ask and I’ll give.”

“I want to t-touch you,” Taeyong manages. He closes his eyes in embarrassment.

“Touch me how you want then.” And Taeyong’s arms are immediately around his neck, running up his back and down his chest. He touches indiscriminately, unraveling under Doyoung now that the tension to obey was released.

He’s close. Doyoung can tell from his blown-out eyes and trembling legs. His hair is matted against his forehead and his shirt clings to his shoulders from the sweat. “Do you want to come?” Doyoung asks against his ear.

“Please,” Taeyong whimpers. He arches his back and holds Doyoung closer.

“Anything for you.” Doyoung presses a quick kiss against his lip. He jerks him off until he feels cum on his hand. 

He tries to catch it all and keep any from getting on their clothes. Taeyong buries his face into Doyoung’s neck and tries to catch his breath. “Let me go get cleaned,” Doyoung says. Taeyong regretfully lets Doyoung get up to wash his hands.

He comes back with a damp towel and wipes at Taeyong’s exposed skin, cleaning off the sweat and cum. Taeyong hardly moves, his eyes struggling to stay open. Doyoung carefully tucks him back into his joggers and sits up beside Taeyong. 

He pulls him into his lap and pets his hair. He runs his hands across his back and arms, massaging his wrists and shoulders. Doyoung lets Taeyong rest in silence. He doesn’t try to make eye contact or ask any messy questions. He just takes care of him and counts his blessings that he can hold him like this.

“Thanks,” Taeyong eventually mutters still not looking at Doyoung. He laughs at the response and Taeyong can’t help joining. “I’m sorry that was so awkward.”

“It’s fine, Hyung,” Doyoung says. “How are you feeling?”

“Awkward,” Taeyong answers with another laugh. “But good. I feel good.”

“Not to ruin the moment,” Doyoung says carefully. “But what does this mean now?” Taeyong falls silent. “Is this going to be a regular thing? Are we dating? Or are we never going to talk about it?”

“Doyoung-ah,” Taeyong says and his voice is so sad it almost draws Doyoung’s tears. “I’m really sorry. But I don’t love you like you love me.”

He knew this. Doyoung knew this before he even asked but it still hurts. It still feels like the words are cutting him open and leaving him bare to the flame of rejection.

“But maybe I could later,” Taeyong adds on nonchalantly.

“What?” Doyoung asks trying not to cry.

“If you want, we can fool around and maybe I’ll get feelings later.”

“Seriously?” Doyoung asks, anger boiling up and drying the tears. He pushes Taeyong away and the leader looks shocked. “That’s not how this works. You can’t just have me _fool around_ with you when I care about you like this. Fucking hell, Hyung, are you being serious? Why do you even want this?”

Taeyong doesn’t immediately answer. But there’s anger in his eyes, enough to make Doyoung want to back down. “You have no idea what I deal with. I care about my members so much. I never regret being the leader, but it’s so hard sometimes. There are nights I can’t sleep because I’m so worried about us. I’m so worried we’re going to fail. That I’m going to fail and ruin it for everyone.”

He seems surprised by his own outburst and pulls back a bit. Doyoung looks on unamused. “So you want me to take the pressure off for a night? Switch roles so you don’t have to worry about anything?”

He expects Taeyong to yell at him again, but he gives a small nod and bows his head. Tears streak down Taeyong’s face and all Doyoung’s anger is drained with it. “Hyung,” he says much softer than before. “There’re probably better ways to go about that.”

Taeyong sobs into his hands and shakes his head. The overwhelming desire to care for him forces Doyoung to hold him again. He lets Taeyong cry against his chest and spend his sadness. “I’m sorry,” Taeyong says between hiccups. “I know, I know. You’re right. I can’t ask that of you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Doyoung says. “I want to take care of you, but I can’t do it like that.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. And it’s okay if you admit the responsibility is too much. How many kids do you have to take care of? Seventeen and counting? No one will blame you if you ask for help. It’s perfectly fine if you give another member control. A great leader knows when to trust someone else to help.”

“You’re right,” Taeyong says no longer crying. He looks up at Doyoung. “I’ll try—I’ll work harder in the future. I’ll try to trust our members more.”

“I think it will make you happier, Hyung.”

“And thank you. Thank you for being so amazing,” Taeyong says looking down again. His hands find Doyoung’s and he play with the fingers. “And… and maybe we can try dating normally? Like Yuta and Renjunnie are?”

Doyoung can’t help the suspicious look he gives Taeyong. He can’t help the doubt in his heart. “Are you just saying that out of pity?” Taeyong shakes his head adamantly.

“No, I really mean it. I never thought about you like that. Honestly, I never thought about dating while being an idol. But now… I think there might be chemistry?”

“You’re not only saying that because I jerked you off, right?” Doyoung asks. Taeyong laughs at him.

“No, that’s not it either.”

“Earlier, you said you didn’t love me like this,” Doyoung says. Taeyong sighs.

“I don’t know. But I think I want to try?”

“So Hyung wants to be my boyfriend?” Doyoung asks. Taeyong shrugs and gives him a cute smile.

“If you’ll have me.” Their eyes meet, and they laugh together. Taeyong pecks him on the lips and Doyoung actually blushes. His heart feels so light.

“We should wait until after we’re done in Osaka. There’s too much going on right now,” Doyoung says.

“Yeah, it would be complicated,” Taeyong says. “But afterwards.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Doyoung brings his hand up to kiss it chastely. “For now we should probably let Taeil Hyung back in.” Taeyong’s eyes get wide.

“Has he been waiting outside this whole time?”

“No,” Doyoung says. “He said he’d wait for me to text him to come back. Probably went to visit the other members. But I don’t want to keep him away from his own room for too long.”

“So considerate,” Taeyong says with flirtatious undertone. 

“You’re going to be a handful.”

“Maybe. But you’ll love it,” Taeyong says cutely. Part of the reason Doyoung always argued with Taeyong is because he would act like this afterwards. Even if Taeyong is a handful, it’ll easily be outweighed by all the wonderful attributes he has.

“Don’t tempt me. Now, I’m going to leave you alone so Taeil Hyung doesn’t get upset with me. But we’ll definitely have to go out when we get back to Seoul.” Taeyong nods earnestly.

“Sleep well tonight,” he says as Doyoung opens the door.

“You too,” Doyoung calls back. Taeyong smiles at him and Doyoung knows he can call that smile his own now, that Taeyong doesn’t give it out to anyone else.

 

Jeno can tell what the outcome was the minute Doyoung walks into the room. The giddy smile on his face and the bounce his step gives away the whole story. “He said he likes you back?” Jeno asks once he closes the door.

“How did—yeah,” Doyoung admits. He tries to fight the smile curving his lips but fails.

“Hyung,” Jeno says with a smile of his own. “It’s all over your face.”

“Oh? Sorry,” Doyoung says suddenly aware of his flushed cheeks.

“Don’t be. It’s a good look,” Jeno says. Doyoung joins him in sitting on the bed, stubborn smile on his face even though he’s concerned.

“And it doesn’t bother you?” Doyoung asks.

“Hyung, we already talked about this,” Jeno whines. 

“I just want to make sure.” Doyoung reaches across to grab his hand and Jeno laughs at him. Even in this situation he knows they won’t become less comfortable together.

“I was confused, I think. Lonely maybe,” Jeno muses. “Jaeminnie told me I probably just want attention.”

“Aigoo, of course,” Doyoung says. He pitches forward to grab Jeno into a tight hug. “I’m sorry your Hyungs haven’t been giving you enough love.”

“I’m fine now,” Jeno says struggling against him. “Hyung, please.”

“Never. I don’t want you to be sad.”

“I’m not sad,” Jeno says. But he stops struggling.

“You’re still my favorite Dongsaeng,” Doyoung says.

“Me and Jungwoo Hyung,” Jeno corrects.

“Obviously. But I didn’t want you to think I cared about you less than him.”

“Stop being so dramatic, I’m fine.”

“For real?”

“Yes for real. One hundred percent.” Doyoung lets Jeno escape and they sit up again.

“So now what are we?”

“Good friends,” Jeno says. “Nothing more. Just two bros who share a bed because we’re close.”

“You’re still going to make me sleep in the same bed with you?” Doyoung asks exasperatedly.

“You owe me for causing this mess,” Jeno jokes.

“We’re equally to blame, don’t try to guilt-trip me,” Doyoung says. “Now get dressed and get in bed. I’m tired.”

“Ah, so you still want to order me around?” Doyoung laughs at him. “Do you order Taeyong Hyung around too? Talk down to him?”

“Shut up!”

“Oh, so you _do_? I was just guessing.”

“Lee Jeno. Shut up.” It doesn’t come out nearly as threatening since it’s dressed in laughter.

“Alright, sorry,” Jeno says though his expression says otherwise. Doyoung gets up to search for clothes and Jeno speaks a few moments later. “And I’m happy for you. I’m glad it worked out.” Doyoung smiles to himself and says a quiet thank you. 

Jeno truly means it. After weeks of seeing Doyoung depressed, it’s refreshing to see him smile like this again. Jeno’s heart stirs, but this time he knows it’s not romantic feelings. He loves Doyoung, but not in a way where he wants to have a relationship with him. Seeing him happy is satisfactory and Jeno knows there’s a different person for him in his future. But that doesn’t matter right now, because he has Doyoung and his other friends, his other members to love and take care of him.

 

Doyoung isn’t the type to cry on stage. He doesn’t even cry when they get awards. But for some reason the last stage in Osaka has him pretty damn close. He blames it on the song, on all his friends and seniors around him singing gushy lyrics. 

He doesn’t admit that one of the reasons could be Renjun and Yuta. Even now as they walk around stage saying goodbye—Yuta indiscriminate in holding Renjun’s hand or throwing an arm around his shoulder—their happiness is evident. It’s crazy to Doyoung, how far Yuta has come from what he was even four months ago. He never thought Yuta would accept himself, let alone have someone to love. Doyoung watches the two stumble away with a fond smile. 

Jeno catches Doyoung’s eye across the stage and waves. He’s standing between Jaemin and Donghyuk with the same steady smile he had after he confessed. Despite how it turned out, Doyoung still has guilt for his actions. But watching Jeno act comfortable again, like he’s no longer tormented, eases some of it. Jeno forgave him, so Doyoung resolves to work harder in forgiving himself.

Doyoung watches Renjun hug Jeno from behind and startle him. Jeno’s other friends push and tease them and Doyoung laughs. He hopes they realize how lucky they are to have good friends like that in the group. And it hits Doyoung how lucky he is. In his lowest moments there has always been another member there for him. All these years angsting over unrequited love made him too bitter to realize how much love he actually received. 

As if on cue, Jungwoo comes up beside him and slides an arm around his waist. His smile is so pure even in the harsh stage lighting that Doyoung can’t help but return it. Jungwoo says something that gets lost in the blaring music. He waves to the fans and gestures Doyoung to do the same. Doyoung can’t even space out on stage without one of his members coming to his aid.

Yukhei joins them after a moment, vibrating and jumping from excitement. It’s contagious, and Doyoung’s somber sentiments are pushed out. He enjoys the moment with the two he often feels thankful for. Doyoung will always appreciate having gay members he can talk to and who will understand him fully. 

Doyoung realizes Taeyong has been gesturing at him, beckoning him over with a concerned expression. He breaks from Jungwoo’s and Yukhei’s arms and heads over, weaving between the other artists and bowing when necessary. Taeyong holds him close with an arm around his back. He says something Doyoung can’t hear over the din of fans and music. Doyoung leans forward so Taeyong can say it against his ear. 

_You’re crying_ , Doyoung just catches. And then Taeyong’s thumbs are brushing against his cheeks, spreading tears Doyoung didn’t notice he had shed. He laughs and Taeyong gives him a soft smile. Taeyong quirks his eyebrow inquisitively, a concerned expression on his face. He shakes his head and tries to yell that he’s _happy_ loud enough to be heard. Taeyong laughs with him and relaxes his hold. 

The song is drawing to a close and the other NCT members are converging around them, spreading out to hold hands in a line. Doyoung tries not to cry, but it only makes the tears flow faster. It’s overwhelming in a sense, looking down the line and seeing all his members who care about him. And then looking around the whole stage and seeing the seniors who have always looked after them well. It feels like family.

He walks off stage with Taeyong, still holding his hand. The future is unsure, especially when Doyoung isn’t even sure Taeyong is actually gay. But all his secrets are out now and there isn’t anything harbored in his heart causing strife. He’ll take the uncertainty over the previous pain any day. He has hope that it’ll all work out anyway, because he has his friends, his members, his brothers, who will always be with him.

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t believe this mess is finally over. Thank you all so much who read one or all these parts. This series really meant a lot to me. It helped me work through some stuff. I would say 80% of the content in here is directly inspired from my personal experience or things I witnessed in close friends. For all my gay readers, I hope I did justice here and you could find the same comfort in reading this that I found in writing it. Sincerely, I wish everyone to find acceptance in themselves and in a support network. And I also hope that no one has to deal with actual unrequited love because damn that hurts (which is why I had to give Doyoung and Taeyong a happy ending). Thank you so much for all the support, even though the pairing that started all this was 100% crack (the world needs more YuJun).
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!!


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